Team Wilco: Sports Report

Go Mavs Go!

2006-05-23T01:20:00.000-07:00

Fuck Shamu and Tim Duncan.

I'm ignoring the format of the page and I'm going to keep these pictures this size. This is a special occasion. As one of two real life long Mavs fans that I know, this is an important day for me. This is like when Dee Snyder told that kid's dad that they're not gonna take it. Well, Dee Snyder is gay and so is Michael Finley. Real men take things. Stealing is dope. We stole their souls.

And, I'm not being childish. You grow up. You ain't my dad.

If you're worried that I've blown my wad, don't be. All I'm saying is that somebody told me that they heard that Steve Nash was weak. Weak like Vito Spatafore.

As far as the game goes, all I can say is that San Antonio went through "the curse of the Fin Dog". It's not so much a curse as it is a reality. Michael Finley steps up his game enough to sign a big contract but fails to truly shine when it matters most. He's dead weight and shouldn't be signed next year. He's a basketball dick tease.

I've always wanted to say this...
better luck next year, San Antonio.

Peekaboo Nipples: Olympic Style.

2006-02-20T18:02:00.000-08:00

I haven't heard of any other Olympic nip slips this year. As a matter of fact, I've never heard of any Olympic nip slip ever. Enjoy.

The chick's name is Oksana Dominina of Russia and they're doing some "sport" called Ice Dancing. Whatever. There's half a nipple out there and we shouldn't get distracted by minute details.

UPDATE:

Apparently the U.S. won a silver medal in this particular event. From the sounds of things, this hasn't happened in a while. This is insignificant until you look at their picture.

If you saw this on TV you might have seen her snatch. That's cool.
USA! USA! USA!

Sober Super Bowl

2006-02-05T20:57:00.000-08:00

I love the super bowl. I love football.

It's America. It's freedom. It's a celebration of all things that make this country great.

It's about taking chunk after chunk of land from other people and wearing really tight pants while you do it. It's just like manifest destiny without the genocide. I don't care what anybody says, that's a beautiful thing.

I must admit.... a super bowl with two teams that I couldn't care less about is not as much fun when I'm sober. By the way, I quit drinking.

I started my super bowl holiday by watching a bit of the pre-game bullshit.

Mick Jagger was rambling about American Football and the Manchester United. at first, I thought it was Keith Richards. I get them confused a lot. Zombies all look alike to me.

I recall last year that they had blind kids sing the national anthem. Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin were slightly more disturbing to watch. I always wondered what Jabba the Hutt would look like in a chinchilla coat. Now I know, thanks Aretha Franklin.

As far as the actual game went, I found myself caring less and less as it went on. Since I wasn't drinking, I decided to be really lame and take notes. Here are some notes from those notes.

Jeremy Stevens proved to be the bitch that Joey Porter claimed him to be.
Matt Hasselbeck was too busy thinking about blowing other guys and manage to throw an interception.
Hines Ward was MVP. He deserved it.
I will miss watching Jerome Bettis play football. He's jiggly.

That's it.

21-10 PIttsburgh Steelers over the Seattle Seahawks.

LeBron James Can't Read

2006-02-01T08:57:00.000-08:00

LeBron James doesn't need the dunk contest. He doesn't need to be literate either.

CLEVELAND -- LeBron James has something to go along with his sore right knee: a twisted tongue.

On Tuesday, the Cavaliers star was reading a children's book to 23 elementary students as part of the NBA's "Read to Achieve" program when he got stumped by a tricky name in Dr. Seuss' "Oh, the Places You'll Go."

****

James invited a few kids to sit with him to read the text stuffed with familiar Seuss' rhymes. On the last page, James paused, smiled and said, "I'm not even going to try that name" when he got tangled up with the second part of: "Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places!"

Dr. Suess can be a little thought to read. The complexities of the character development in "Hop on Pop" will probably never be truly understood. That's why I can't blame LeBron for giving up in front of a room full of children. It's not quite Kierkegaard, but only lame college kids would know about that. LeBron was too good for college. Reading is for losers when you can jump like him.

LeBron James is setting a good example for the next generation of children. Reading is useless when you can put a ball in a hoop. If more children would put down the Vonnegut and pick up a basketball, the NBA would be an amazing thing to watch in 15 years. Don't worry about the 99.999999% of kids that lack the talent to end up in the NBA, it's their fault. They probably accidentally read a book.

Isiah Thomas is Innocent.

2006-01-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK - New York Knicks team president Isiah Thomas is accused of sexual harassment and discrimination by one of the team's former front-office employees in a federal lawsuit.

Anucha Browne Sanders claims Thomas made unwanted sexual advances toward her and refused to stop, according to the lawsuit filed Tuesday in federal court in Manhattan. Thomas and Madison Square Garden are listed as the defendants in the lawsuit, which charges them with sex discrimination and retaliation.

I don't even know if Anucha is a chick. I'm assuming so, that sounds like a chick like name.

Anucha Sanders is a liar. Isiah Thomas didn't harass her. Isiah Thomas is a homo. One year he was making out with Magic Johnson and the next year, Magic Johnson announces that he has HIV. That isn't a coincidence.

In all fairness to Isiah, I don't think that he gave Magic the AIDs. I don't even think Magic has the AIDs. Magic Johnson is the only AIDs victim that could live for 15 more years and gain 100 more pounds. I always thought that was impossible when your Christ is rejecting the gay part of your body. That's what they taught me about AIDs in church camp. Paco hypothesizes that he was just afraid of Michael Jordan. I think he just didn't like the idea of playing with Vlade Divac any longer.

Super

2006-01-22T23:33:00.000-08:00

The Super Bowl is set. It's the Steelers and the Seahawks in Detroit. My original pick of Panthers and Patriots didn't quite pan out that way. Despite my prediction, the Cowboys missed the playoffs. And if that wasn't enough, my homeboy Jesus Plummer crapped up in the AFC championship. I don't really like Denver or anything but I like that they have Jesus in at quarterback.

Since I can only get me to care about this game by illegally gambling, I need to make a pick.

I pick the Steelers.

I could talk about the finer points of football that any drunkard idiot fan could bring up to support that pick, but I just think I'm more afraid of them than I am of any other team. I do not mean that in the football sense. I feel like if I were to drive by them, I'd have to roll up my windows and lock my doors. If I don't, Troy Polamalu is going to pull me out of my car and Jerome Bettis is going to piss on me. I don't want that to happen. If they don't win the faggy looking glass football, Joey Porter will stab Matt Hasselbeck and take it from him.

Live from Post National Title Austin

2006-01-05T04:47:00.000-08:00

I'm currently in Austin right now. I left Fort Worth at around 3 am because of a sudden idea from my cousin. Robby, my cousin, is in his 3rd year at UT. He's Asian and he is majoring in something that has to do with math or something. How stereotypical. We drove his gas guzzling SUV and I had to pay for it. Apparently, being really drunk means that you're physically unable to pry open your wallet, or maybe cousin is just a cheap slant eyed Jew. We then preceded to call all his friends in Austin. We even talked to one of my neighbors that was partying down there. They swore to stay up long enough for us to get there.

We're here... I'm writing this stupid shit. The party is not good. Austin's streets was not littered with burning cars. I didn't see a single person stabbed in the chest. This is the worst post victory celebration I've ever been in. It's even worse than San Antonio 2003. At least they has one fat drunken Mexican dude screaming "wooooo" from the parking lot of HEB. HEB in Austin didn't have a Mexican. What a rip off.

If I don't look out the window later on today and see loose hippie bitches fist fighting each other while Gwar is playing live, I'll feel like I just drove all this way just to smoke weed in a different area code. And, that would suck. Like a whore. Like a dirty sucky whore.

Save Michael Irvin!

2005-11-27T22:00:00.000-08:00

DALLAS - Former Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin was charged with misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia after Plano police officers searched his vehicle during a traffic stop.

I'm sick and tired of this. I'm mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore. I'm tired of the metroplex getting black eyes because of the foolish actions of people that think they're great because they wear/wore a faggy uniform. I'm tired of the selfishness. Why do the cops always pick on Michael Irvin? Why?

Yeah so... OK, he was speeding. OK, so he had drug paraphernalia. OK, he has a history of drug use. Whatever. Michael Irvin has won us 3 superbowls. If he wants to walk into a church, punch an old woman in the eyeball, smoke crack in the bathroom with a bunch of "born-agains", and mock Jesus with an end zone dance during the sermon, then you let him. He is one of the most important people in the recorded history of the world. He's even better than Jesus. You can call me a blasphemer all day but I won't hear it. The bible never talks about how Jesus ran the perfect post route to win the game. That's what I thought. Shut up.

He's awesome. Stop the injustice!

Lions- 7, Cowboys- 20

2005-11-21T05:52:00.000-08:00

I didn't watch a lot of the game. I spent the majority of it driving. I did get to see Billy Cundiff kick a record breaking field goal. I also saw Shaun Rogers jump offsides three times in a row without a call. Officials, he's a 400 pound fat man. When he moves, you see it and feel it in the quakes. I know you're afraid that he'll eat you if you call him out on it but that's part of the job. That's also why you do steroids. Anybody else disturbed by the trend of juiced up NFL officials? I'm old school and I believe that the starting middle linebacker should be at least a little bigger than them.

Roy Williams shows Roy Williams what he does to name thieves.

I listened to the game in the car. It seemed like Detroit was trying very hard to lose the game. I believe they were penalized 17 times for close to 130 yards. Considering that, the score should have been much higher for the Cowboys.

I can't believe that I was actually happy to see Billy Cundiff again. I'll admit that I was one of the people that called for his head every time something bad happened. He didn't even have to be involved and I blamed him. Like Bill Parcells, I view kickers to be less than human. However, anybody that can just nail a record breaking 56 yard field goal after being signed the night before is OK in my book. I'm personally absolving him of his previous sins.

Bless you Billy.

You know what? I just thought of something. Billy? You're a grown up. Why are you still "Billy"? What you did was great and all but when you start thinking of yourself as a big boy, I'll start treating you like a big boy.

Since I didn't watch that much football this week, I'll leave this as my recap. check out NFL.com for some good recaps of the games. They always have interesting stats and they manage to stretch "he didn't play well" into 6 or 7 paragraphs.

Pistons- 82, Mavericks-119

2005-11-20T05:59:00.000-08:00

The Dallas Mavericks have beat the two teams that played in the NBA finals last season. They're the only team to do that so far. Everything seemed to work for the Mavs last night. I got pretty drunk while watching the game and I refuse to look up the stats but I believe that every single Mav that played, scored. When the Mavericks play like that, they can beat anybody. Even Erick Dampier, who has been taking a beating by local media, played like he found his nuts again.

That's good for Dampier but that doesn't wash away the fact that he's still a completely useless pile of vomit. In the playoffs last year, he had one decent game out of 13 and that shit don't fly. I didn't accept it when it was Shawn Bradley, and I certainly won't accept it from the self-proclaimed "best center in the west". Let us hope that this is a turning point for Dampier. If not, I think Avery Johnson should be allowed to hit him in the nuts with a baseball bat during half time of the next home game.

I'm not going to declare the Mavs the NBA champs just yet. The problem with a lot of sports fans is that they hitch themselves to bandwagons too quick. They start making MVP, championship, and coach firing predictions before the season even starts. I'm just excited by what I'm seeing so far this season. This is different from a few years ago, when the mavs went 14-0 and won a total of 60 games. The depth in this team is unreal. I think we have an even deeper bench than the spurs. I would take my time to explain but every time I talk about the spurs, a part of me dies inside. Well, we do have players, like Keith Van Horn, who seem to get ankle injuries while tying his shoes. I have a solution for that though, velcro.

Cheerleaders Arrested For Licking Each Other's Vaginas and Fighting.

2005-11-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

The biggest story right now isn't the riots in France, the pirates off the coast of Africa, or even the war in Iraq. It's the two Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders that were dyking out in the bathroom of a Florida bar. The mavs whopping up on the Suns and the Spurs is a close second. I haven't wrote about this yet because I've been feeding Pugs info and pictures of the girls. Well, here we go now...

TAMPA, Fla. - Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were charged after their arrest at a bar where witnesses told police the women had sex in a restroom.

Renee Thomas, 20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., were taken to Hillsborough County Jail early Sunday.

Angela Keathley

Renee Thomas

Sure, Angela Keathley looks like she's been punched in the nose by an angry drummer boyfriend a few times and Renee looks like the type of girl that would be impressed by your bad ass Trans Am, but THEY WERE GOING DOWN ON EACH OTHER IN A BATHROOM. Where I'm from, that counts for something. A 6 or a 7 instantly jumps to 10 status when she's willing to lick her friend's vagina. Anything above a 7 is unthinkable. Most men's brain and penis couldn't handle the stimulation. They'd simply have a complete body shut down.

Here is what we know about the situation.

Witnesses say that the two girls were having sex in the bathroom stall.
Thomas got into an argument with another female patron after the sex. She then punched her.
The police came and arrested the girls.
Angela Keathley resisted arrest.
Renee Thomas claimed to be fellow Panthers cheerleader, Kristen Owen, and was in possession of her ID.
This is pretty hot.
Yeah, hot.

That's what we know. Since I'm an expert detective, yes, even better than Batman, I have spent the better part of two days "going over evidence". I've come to this scenario.

Thomas and Keathley were asked to come to Tampa Bay by a couple of fat cat Tobacco plantation owners (or whatever the fuck rich dudes in North Carolina do) and since they're vapid whores looking to exploit their sexuality for fancy dinners and clothes, they agree to the trip. Thomas, foreseeing the problems of being underage in a city where she's not an E level celebrity, borrowed Kristen Owen's ID. Thomas figured that since blonde white girls all look alike, this wouldn't be a problem. The guys and girls arrive in Tampa and head over to Banana Joe's. They choose that particular establishment because of it's obvious class. Well, it's classy to people that have "3: never forget" tattoos on their asses. While at the bar, they drink patron tequila. I know that it was this brand because that's what coked up whores drink. Keathley, who explains in her Carolina Panther bio that the best part of being a cheerleader is the friendship she has with the girls, lures Thomas into the bathroom to "powder their noses". They do powder their noses with the help of a mirror and a straw. While enjoying the sexy feeling that coke gives you, it's quite sexy, Keathley unleashes her inner-dyke and goes to work on Thomas' vagina. It takes Thomas a little long to finish since her privates are numb from being pounded 8 times a day by various rich guys . People outside the stall are getting restless. They're drunk and filled with piss. They fear that if they don't piss, their bladders will explode. Some of the bar patrons explain the urgency of the situation. The girls finish up with the clam combating and exit the stall. Thomas takes offense to a few of the words that some random woman tells her, and unleashes her trailer park roots on her. The police are called and the whole world is talking about it the next day.

OK, so it's not exactly hard to come up with that scenario. It's just hot thinking about how it happened.

Mavs Win in Double OT

2005-11-02T00:08:00.000-08:00

Team Wilco has a long history of award winning reports on the National Basketball Association. Paco and I pride ourselves in our ability to look at the game through objective eyes. Whether it's suggesting that Tracy McGrady has shifty crack smoking eyes, explaining why Erick Dampier makes Shawn Bradley look like Bill Russell, or pretending to have conversations with Magic Johnson, we feel that it is our duty to provide the expert insight that only a couple of mature basketball enthusiast can.

The Mavericks beat the Suns, 111-108, in double overtime to start off the NBA season. The Mavs may not have shown much defensive improvement but they still beat the Suns. The Suns might be an almost entirely new team, with only 2 starters and 4 bench players returning, and no Amare Stoudemire. But you know what? Suck it Phoenix. There are few things that are more satisfying than seeing a home crowd on the brink of tears after my Mavericks hand them a loss. Phoenix didn't disappoint. Yes, I'm still bitter about the Mavs losing in the western conference semi-finals against the Suns.

Watching this game reminded me why basketball is my favorite sport to watch. It's the only thing that can really get any emotion out of me and for the 2-3 hours. It's the only thing that matters in the universe. It's even more important than curing cancer.

Brett Favre sucks

2005-10-31T13:18:00.000-08:00

Really, how do you let this guy steal the ball from you? Hang the helmet up, Brett. It's time to retire.

In other news, Gregory Gall is my new hero. I've always wanted to run on the field and steal the ball from a sorry, over-the-hill quarterback, but never had good enough seats to attempt such a thing. Unfortunately, being awesome carries a heavy price, and Mr. Gall pleaded innocent to charges of resisting arrest, trespass and disorderly conduct while intoxicated.

Cardinals-13, Cowboys 34

2005-10-30T22:08:00.000-08:00

Big shock. The Cowboys slapped the Cardinals around for another win. The Cardinals haven't won a game at Texas Stadium since 1989, if you don't count that pesky playoff game in 98. Some new uniforms, a new rookie running back, and Kurt Warner riding the pine hasn't changed the fact that Arizona seems to prefer to roll around in their funky mediocrity. Anthony Henry even ran an interception back for a touchdown. The Cowboys haven't had one of those since Mario Edwards was playing for them. Rookie running back Marion Barber ran for about 125 yard and two touchdowns. Quite impressive for a guy that was either 3rd or 4th string at the start of the season. Before we start sucking his dick and declaring him the second coming of Tony Dorsett, it should be noted that these numbers were against the Cardinals. The Cardinals suck. When he starts getting those numbers against defensive power houses like Washington, Chicago, and Ben Wallace, then maybe we can discuss the possibility of he and Julius Jones in a position battle. Until then, all you band wagon jumping choads can enjoy his feat and this win. I think the highlight of this game was Roy Williams whacking that big dumb animal Josh McCown. Sure, Josh got the pass off for some major yardage but that was awesome. It was like Roy was shot out of a blitzing cannon. Some people argue that McCown is a tough, athletic quarterback that is growing into a decent threat. I argue that he's a big dumb animal with an accent.

In other NFC East news...

The Giants completely dominated the Redskins. In the wake of Wellington Mara's... umm, wake, the Giants stepped it up a notch and trashed an eastern rival. Tiki Barber finally proved to me, I'm sure he's been trying really hard to do that, that he's not the effeminate overrated man boy that I call him. Tiki had over 170 yards in the first half and finished the day with a grand total of 206. I'm a man of honor so let me apologize to Tiki. I'm sorry you not overrated but still effeminate man boy. Fuck the Giants.

Redskins- 0, Giants- 36

After grounding LT and the Chargers into the ground to make Southern Cali coffee, the Eagles let Jesus and the Broncos sodomize them. Donovan McNabb, who is being held together with some sort of strange mixture of pain killers, duct tape, and chunky soup, didn't complete his first 12 passes. That's a pretty big deal even when you run the ball well but since Andy Reid believes that running is only suitable when it's 3 dollar buffet night at Ping's Golden Egg Roll, this was doubly sucky. McNabb and T.O., who went catchless in the first half and looked to be getting rather pissy, almost made a stellar comeback. Then I took a 20 minute nap and woke up to find that the Broncos won by 25 points. Mike Anderson and Tatum Bell both ran for 100 yards against that "tough" Eagles defense. I'm sure they miss Corey Simon now.

Eagles- 21, Jesus and the Broncos- 49

In other news, Tedy Bruschi made his comeback tonight and he didn't die. That's pretty good, I guess.

Baseball season is finally over...

2005-10-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

CHICAGO WHITE SOX WIN WORLD SERIES...
ASTROS CONTINUE TO STINK, JUST LIKE HOUSTON.

"I will make out with every member of the
Chicago White Sox if they just do one thing tonight..."
- Pugs, 10/26/05

"Dirtbags of the world... UNITE!"

"Remember when my idiot son owned the Rangers?
Me neither. Go Astros!"

"Well, at least we have the Texans...
Ah, fuck... somebody shoot us."

Philadelphia Eagles Claim Jose Cortez

2005-10-26T00:18:00.000-07:00

Philadelphia Eagles: With kicker David Akers close to returning from a hamstring injury, the Eagles have shuffled their kicking game.

The Eagles on Tuesday claimed kicker Jose Cortez off waivers from the Dallas Cowboys and released kicker Todd France.

***

The release of France is surprising since he has kicked well in three games since replacing Akers, who is sidelined with a hamstring injury. France has made 6-of-7 field goals, with his only miss being a block.

It's always a good idea to waive a guy that has hit 6-7 for your team and grab a guy that hasn't kicked 6 in his entire 30 years of life. Hope you enjoy Jose Cortez, Andy Reid.

Dallas-10, Seattle-13

2005-10-24T23:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a firm believer of playing aggressive football. Fourth and 20? Go for it, pussy. However, I'm a Monday morning quarterback and if an aggressive decision turns out to be a bad one, I turn into Pat Robertson at an anti-abortion rally. Fourteen seconds left in a tied game, let's just take it to over time and win it then. The Dallas Cowboys didn't think that was a good idea and protested all reasonable thinking by having Drew Bledsoe throw an interception. They furthered their point by allowing Seattle kicker, Josh Brown, to kick a 50 yard field goal.

I advocated having Larry Allen beat up Jose Cortez again. There is no need now, the cowboys released him. Hasta, loser.

In other NFC east news...

Eli Manning is clutch. I hate the giants and I hate Eli but I can't deny this fact. The broncos have Jesus Christ at quarterback and, as history teaches us, they still couldn't avoid being crucified in the closing seconds of the game.

Denver Broncos-23, New York Giants-24

The Redskins bullied up on the 49ers. That's not that big of an accomplishment. Clinton Portis played well and celebrated one of his three touchdowns by doing a couple of cartwheels in the end zone. Some people might want for our running backs to be like Walter Peyton, Barry Sanders, or Emmitt Smith. Act like you've been in the end zone before and hand the ball to the ref. Me? I'd rather they do the most outlandish things that they can. It's a celebration, bitches. Celebrate.

San Francisco 49ers- 17, Washington Redskins- 52

The Eagles punished LaDainian Tomlinson. He was held to 7 yards rushing. That's more awful than the most awfulest thing ever. LT is sweet and whenever he doesn't play well, which is never, I don't play well, which is always. Some of you might be wondering about what I play. Well, min your business. I know the patriot act allows for people to pry their noses into my life but what I do with a bottle of cheese whiz, two quarts of mayo, and field hockey gear is my own damn business. The Eagles had a damn exciting finish that left me with leakage in my pants. I should probably stop taking morphine during football games.

San Diego Chargers- 17, Philadelphia- 20

Team Wilco Exclusive Report: Plagiarized

2005-10-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

As some of you might know, this weekend has been very busy for Team Wilco Enterprises. We received an e-mail on Saturday from Liss.

Team Wilco,

Hmm. Maybe you know this, maybe you don't, but there's a guy who is totally plagiarizing your stuff. Entries in his livejournal are, essentially, copy and pastes of your work/photos/links and there is no credit (that I can find) given to you guys.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/onerom2013/
For shame.

Love your blog,
Liss
Upon clicking the link, I noticed several shocking similarities between Team Wilco and this asshole's live journal. I took screen caps to demonstrate this.

Robert Moreno of Garland Texas writes...

Which of course is this.

The gentleman that says, "I'm just some dude with a smart mouth. But, I back my stuff up. I welcome all to say something" wrote this.

Which bares a resemblance to this.

The hilarious podcast host and writer was also quite opinionated about Paris Hilton.

Odd, I'm quite opinionated about Paris too.

The Robert Moreno in Garland, Texas who listens to the Pugs and Kelly Show, Russ Martin Show, and Dan and Tasos show said this about Chewbacca becoming an American Citizen.

It's obvious that I ripped him off with my lame attempt to copy his genius.

I've spent my entire life looking for a soul mate. Somebody that thinks like me. Little did I know that it was just a few miles away in Garland. Hell, Robert even has my exact same handwriting.

Or maybe I stole his Harriet Miers coverage. To really throw him off, I posted it almost a day before him. I'm so clever!

OK, an obvious plagiarism job by one Mr. Robert Moreno of Garland, Texas who, in his 22 years of existence, has developed a smart mouth and the ability to back it up that might be found listening to Dan and Tasos or bumping Public Enemy while being trained by somebody that resembles an upside down bowling pin for some job that probably has to do with computers. All this while updating his shitty livejournal for all his high school buddies to laugh at.

It doesn't stop with me though. Robert also stole from Paco. He deleted the account before I could screen cap that but I did manage to get THIS.

Look familiar? Yeah, that's a thesuperficial.com post. Shame on you Robert. Shame.

So, Mr. Moreno deleted his account after I mocked him in the comments section of his journal. Luckily, Liss screen capped my comments for me.

More!
Even More!!!

Robert, you got away with this for a long time. By Paco's research, you've been doing this since July. It must have been a pleasant ride. You probably received the adoration of all your loser friends. Hey, I know. I get that sometimes too. Did you really think it was wise to do this to a website that is frequently advertised on the number one talk radio station in the number 5 market? (I think those two stats are right) Did you think that it was possible to get away with this? Oh you crazy kid, you're one of the many reasons why I hate our generation. You know, there are a lot better sites and writers to steal from that don't have the type of exposure that we get. Honestly, I think Paco and I are a little overrated. We pretty much just come up with ways to say "I fucking hate BLANK" over and over again. You might consider us one trick ponies with shitty photoshop skills and a tendency to commit crime. All of this might be true but at least we're original. Robert, you could have rewritten each post and probably gotten away with it. Simply taking out any mention of me or Team Wilco isn't going to cut it. Linking directly from our photobuckets was pretty fucking dumb. Did any of your friends wonder why your hilarious pictures were in a photobucket called "Willthethrill","Willteamwilco", or "Willtheblogger"? Our readers are slightly smarter than that. Slightly, I still think they're all borderline retards.

There are a few nice things that I took away from this experience. I think Paco said it best...

Part of me wants to be offended, and string up this douche bag for 30 counts of grand larceny of intellectual properties and 5 counts of being a choad. However, another part of me is flattered that this guy finds us so funny that he'd blatantly rip us off and pass it off as his own to make others think that he too is funny.

Flattery does feel good. Do you know what else feels good? Making people feel bad. So, I present to you, loyal readers of Team Wilco, people that got lost here on accident, people that send us hate mail for talking bad about sea creatures, and weird guy that just likes my picture of a panda, Robert Moreno's MSN username.

trebor_onerom

Oh, here is his new livejournal, sans Team Wilco content. I don't think Robert has actually seen a real life woman. He thinks that the measurements of 34-32-26 is hot. Robert, that's an upside down bowling pin.

Painless really. We laughed. We cried. I smoked a little weed in the middle of writing all this out. And, I think Robert Moreno made out pretty well. He gets free links on Team Wilco and he has a new reader, me.

Once again, I'd like to thank Liss for helping us out. You can read her plagiarism free live journal HERE. I'd like to thank everyone that sent me well wishes in this ordeal. It's your comfort and the power of Christ that helps me overcome all obstacles. Amen.

New York Giants- 13, Dallas- 16

2005-10-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

Hey hey, what about them NFC East division leading Cowboys? Well, what about them? I thought the win yesterday was pretty ugly. The defense played well against a high powered new York offense but allowing 4 sacks and missing two field goals is pretty awful. That's Minnesota Viking numbers.The win last week over the Eagles was complete dominance. This one was defensive dominance but the offense seemed like it was trying to lose the game. The game was pretty good but that's because it was close. This wasn't USC and Notre Dame.

We lost Flozell Adams for the season. I know I give Flozell a hard time about his large amount of penalties at key time but he's still a key member of the offense and he's not replaceable. He's no Larry Allen but most people can reach that level. Larry Allen is awesome and he beats up kickers. That's great.

In other NFC East news...

The Redskins lost to the Chiefs. I didn't watch this game and I don't care. The only thing that I care about is that the Redskins lost. Losers

Washington- 21, Kansas City- 28

The Eagles had a bye. Terrell Owens walked around Philadelphia and randomly shouted, "I'm Great!". Dhani Jones wrote crappy poetry and wore a bow tie.

Amare Stoudemire is Out for 4 Months

2005-10-12T03:36:00.000-07:00

PHOENIX - The Phoenix Suns will be without all-star forward Amare Stoudemire for about four months after he underwent surgery to repair damage to his injured left knee Tuesday.

The extent of the injury was determined during "diagnostic" surgery by team doctor Thomas Carter, who then proceeded with the repair, Suns president Bryan Colangelo said.

As previously reported on Team Wilco, Stoudemire just signed a big ass contract extension. It's a shame that we won't get to see him play this year. I've said this many times before but I'll say it one more time for good measure. Amare Stoudemire is one of the most exciting players to watch in any sport. He's the Lisa Leslie of men's basketball only he can actually dunk when people are around.

Stoudemire is expected to be out until the all star break. Shawn Marion has said that they'll miss their inside post presence but they still have an inside threat with Kurt Thomas and Brian Grant. I'd hate to break this to you Shawn but if you are relying on Kurt Thomas and Brian Grant to be your inside bangers, then you're in a lot of trouble. Those two guys put together don't even make a decent power forward.

The Suns lost Joe Johnson and Quentin Richardson this off season but they still have Steve Nash, Shawn Marion, and... well, that's about it. The rest of the team is pretty awful. Despite this big blow, I don't see the Suns missing the playoffs. Almost everybody makes it to the NBA playoffs and you really really have to suck hard in order to miss them. I think they can still manage to beat up on the Portland Trial Blazers, L.A. Clippers, Golden State Warriors, and Utah Jazz. The Spurs, Mavericks, Nuggets, Sonics, and probably the Lakers... yeah, not so much.

Hopefully, Amare Stoudemire will return from this surgery in full form. It's not like some other one time superstar turned into a quarter of the player he was after having knee surgery.

And I'm sure getting kneed in the face by
Allen Iverson didn't do Penny any favors either.

Eagles- 10, Dallas- 33

2005-10-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

Everything seemed to work for the Cowboys today. It's been a long time since I've seen my hometown team display such dominance. Everyone picked the Eagles to roll through this team like some sort of magical rolling machine that is powered by chunky soup and T.O.'s ego. I had the Cowboys losing 120-102. I probably shouldn't make picks while I'm high and playing NBA 2k6. It's hard to explain why I'm an Eagles fan and a Cowboys fan. I've always been both. I love Donovan and T.O. and Cunningham before them. When push comes to shove though, I back my boys to the death. Considering their recent history with the Eagles, "death" would be the appropriate word.

As I said before, everything seemed to work for the Cowboys today. Drew Bledsoe threw three touchdowns, zero interceptions and he wasn't sacked at all. That's way better than getting body slammed by Warren Sapp. Kicker Jose Cortez made all four of his field goal attempts and managed to not get his face ripped off by Larry Allen. Julius Jones and Tyson Thompson both ran for about 75 yards a piece. Terry Glenn had a great day with 2 touchdowns and over 110 yards receiving. Patrick Crayton had his first ever not-so-horrible day returning punts. The defense held Donovan McNabb and his number one rated passing attack to only 131 yards. Terrell Owens only had 50 yards. The Eagles only rushed for 19 yards. Hell, even Lousaka Polite did something other than missing a block and falling down in pain. Who the hell is Lousaka Polite? I only know him as the guy from Pittsburgh that isn't Larry Fitzgerald.

A sad Dhani Jones wrote poetry in his blog while wearing a bow tie to mask the pain.

Of course, this victory has some negative side effects. Since the cowboys were so dominant over a much better Eagles team, they're destined to get blown out by the over-rated New York Giants next week. Also, Terry Glenn probably gave a press conference to brag about how awesome he thinks he is while wearing a god awful lime green zoot suit.

In other NFC east news...

The Redskins' super happy fun time awesome pro-bowl defense held Jake Plummer to under 100 yards passing but still managed to lose to the Broncos. Mark Brunell threw for over 300 yards and two touch downs. The mediocre redskins are no longer undefeated. All is well with the cosmos.

Washington- 19, Denver- 21

In New York, Eli Manning recreated Paris with legos while Jay Feely practiced kicking field goals through Michael Strahan's teeth. Jeremy Shockey uttered something racist and Tiki Barber was up all night reading cosmo and calling boys that he likes. They play the cowboys next week at Texas Stadium.

In other NFL news...

In what could be considered an upset, the Cleveland Browns defeated the NFC north top ranked Chicago Bears. The browns beating the bears wasn't the upset. The upset was that fans actually had to watch these two teams play each other.

NBA Dress Code

2005-10-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

The idea of an off-the-court dress code isn't sitting well with some NBA players.

Though it hasn't been finalized yet, players have been warned a dress code likely will be instituted this season for team functions. Players will have to wear business casual clothes -- such as a sport coat and slacks -- for all team affairs. Commissioner David Stern told The Boston Globe that the dress code would exclude jeans.

Team functions would include team flights, traveling to and from games and at public appearances. The Atlanta-Journal Constitution reported the dress code would be backed up by NBA fines.

I'm a firm believer that a professional athlete should look like a professional. I believe that Basketball players should look respectable. In a sport that gets so much bad press because of criminals, selfish "me me" players, convicted rapists, and drug users, players should go out of their way to at least attempt to look like they aren't any of these things. Well, Allen Iverson doesn't have to stop dressing like that. He's a bad ass.

Let us look at some of the best NBA dressers.

Ah, good old squeaky clean Michael Jordan. Perhaps the single most important basketball player of all time. A pioneer in "dressing like a professional". Nobody would figure that he was a gambling addicted adulterer.

L. A. Laker Superstar Kobe Bryant dresses very well. Who would think that he and Phil Jackson wouldn't get along? Bet you people thought I was going to bring up how he raped a white girl. You're all just awful.

Now, let us take a look at some of the worst NBA dressers.

Miami Heat Center and future hall of famer Shaq, appears to be wearing a hand me down from Steve Harvey's pajama drawer. Shaq seems like an OK guy. Sure, he used to rape the Mavericks every year but he let Larry David trip him on TV. That has to count for something. He also didn't eat Steve Nash when the Canadian won MVP over a more deserving Shaq Attack.

Here is Charlotte Bobcat rookie Sean May with his entourage. Team Wilco asked May his thoughts on the proposed dress code but Sean confused our microphone for an ice cream cone and ate it. We met up with him later as he was playing instruments his friends made out of junk.

This is why Rasheed Wallace is one of the most underrated talents in the NBA.

So as you can see, there is a need for NBA players to style up their wardrobe. One last thing though...

The Hawks' Josh Childress is one of the players who thinks the NBA is "taking this thing too far."

"I understand where they're coming from. We all need to be neat and professional. But to ask us to wear suits everywhere, even at a hotel at 2 a.m. I think that's a bit much," Childress told the Journal-Constitution.

You make a valid point Josh Childress. I'm a snazzy dresser and I don't wander around in my snazzy clothes at 2 A.M. but why don't you cut your hair? You look ridiculous.

You look like an even dorkier Urkel with stupid hair. If you're going to have an afro then make it Ben Wallace style. Yeah, that's bad ass.

Amare Stoudemire is Rich

2005-10-03T23:53:00.000-07:00

PHOENIX - Amare Stoudemire signed a five-year contract extension Monday with the Phoenix Suns worth about $73 million.

I think that's great. I hate the suns because of what they did to my Dallas Mavericks during the playoffs last year. It didn't help that they used a former Mav hero to achieve this. Amare Stoudemire seems like a genuinely good guy in a sport with very few good guys. He's also a complete bad ass and I consider him to be one of the most exciting players to watch. While his story isn't that different from most NBA players, his father died when he was in puberty his mother has been in and out of jail, his brother is in federal prison, and he came into the league right after high school, but hey, he won the rookie of the year over Yao Ming. Anybody that reveals Yao for his fraud is a great guy. Actually, I have no idea if he's a good guy. He seems like a nice kid and he's never been caught raping a hotel worker. That has to count for something. A lot of NBA players are over paid. Kwame Brown, Michael Olowakandi, Allan Houston... hell, all of the knicks... and Shawn Bradley, just to name a few. Amare might be the only player that's actually making what he should. That's great.

Cowboys- 13, Raiders- 19

2005-10-02T23:32:00.000-07:00

In the very first play for the Oakland Raiders, Randy Moss raped the cowboys yet again. Kerry Collins hit Moss for a 79 yard reception. While the tradition of Randy giving the shocker to the Cowboys' secondary has been a staple of the NFL since he came into the league, Moss only had 4 catches for 123 yards today. Sure, that's a big number but experts were predicting that he'd have at least 22 catches for 1000 yards and 7 touchdowns. And by experts, I mean the crazy cat lady down the street who I go to for betting advice. All season long, I've heard people claim that Randy Moss makes everyone else around him better. This might be evident in the clusterfuck that is the Minnesota Vikings but, the Raiders, up to this point, have failed to display this. It of course took my hometown team to verify this theory. Sebastian Janikowski started to actually make field goals and LaMont Jordan, who has had a craptacular season, managed to make the cowboys "eat their lunch", poop it out, and eat it again.

And I don't care what anybody says, Warren Sapp didn't "rough the passer" when he body slammed Drew Bledsoe. That was too awesome looking to be a penatly. I think the NFL officials should take style into consideration before they toss out their flags.

Next week, the Cowboys play the Eagles. That's not even a threat. It's not like the Eagles have a wide receiver on par with a Santana or Randy Moss...

In Other NFC East news...

The Giants out gunned the Rams by 20 points. I guess this Eli kid is for real which means that I must prick him with an AIDs infected needle. Tiki Barber became so bored with the blowout that he queered off with some of his offensive linemen.

Rams- 24, Giants- 44.

In the Bizarro world, the Redskins are still undefeated. They beat the Seahawks in overtime in a game that was surely fixed by my bookie. Team Wilco asked God for a comment but he didn't reply thus proving, there is no God. God wouldn't let a team named after an ethnic slur be undefeated. "Redskins" is very different from the Seminoles, Braves, Fighting Sioux, and Chiefs. All those teams seem to honor the fighting spirit and tradition of our Native brothers while the Redskins honor that they had red skin. Though, the team name is of little importance when compared to their mascot, Sitting Bull the Drunken Injun. In honor of the great traditions of our American Indian brothers, I shall trade the Redskins small pox infected blankets in exchange for their women.

Seahawks- 17, Redskins- 20.

Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens made the Chiefs, their woman. I don't think the final score truly translates to how well Donovan McNabb played. The Eagles keep claiming that he's hurt but he's had like 3 games in a row with over 300 yards passing. I don't know what type of weird Steve Austin, 6 million dollar man, type of shit they do in Philadelphia but it's working. I don't think it's the chunky soup. The beef sirloin smells like vomit.

Eagles- 37, Chiefs- 31.

Cowboys-34, 49ers- 31

2005-09-26T00:38:00.000-07:00

This game shouldn't have even been close. I'm thinking that the cowboys threw the first three quarters of the game to make it interesting. They were competing with the Patriots @ Steelers game on CBS. When it looked like the cowboys were down for the count, my flamingly homosexual friend Lo called me. He lives in San Francisco and wanted to rub it in my face. He probably wanted to rub other things in my face too. Well Lo, your team lost, you're a borderline midget, you're not an American, and you're a sodomite. Hope you enjoy hell with the rest of your 49er fan buddies. Actually, after losing T.O. to the Eagles you probably all ready feel like you're in hell. I don't care what anybody says, T.O. is good for teams.

Give Keyshawn the ball.

In other NFC east news...

David Akers and Koy Detmer made out after Akers kicked the winning field goal in the closing seconds of the game. This was one of the most dramatic finishes I've ever seen. As a closet Eagles fan, it was nice.

Oakland- 20, Eagles-23

Welcome to Stiff Arm City, bitch. Population: you.

The giants were raped by former TCU superstar LaDainian Tomlinson. That was nice too. I abhor the giants with ever bit of my perfectly formed body and when I see them get dismantled by my favorite running back, I can't help but masturbate.

Giants-23, Chargers-45

In Washington, Joe Gibbs spent the week writing out checks to the Dallas Cowboys' secondary.

Redskins-14, Cowboys-13

2005-09-19T23:07:00.000-07:00

I sat down with high hopes that "cowboys" could steal large chunks of land from the hated "redskins" while wearing tight pants. History didn't repeat itself. The cowboys lost to the redskins tonight in a game that gave me indigestion. It may have been the beer and arby's roast beef sandwiches though. With a little under 6 minutes left, it seemed like the game was going to be marked in the W column. Santana Moss wasn't feeling it. I always liked Santana . I watched him with the hurricanes and as a jet with a lot of admiration. Now that he's a redskin... he can die die die die. Die die die die die. Die die die die die eat donkey dick and die. Die. In a little over a minute that midget caught two bombs to put the Redskins up 14-13. I'm not a betting man but I pick my games every week and act like I just dropped 500 on each. I would have bet all the potential money I won from Sunday on the cowboys tonight. Thank God I didn't do that. It's a shame that I know one or two people that did. Kids, pay your book. Bad shit happens when you don't. I won't put the blame directly on Santana Moss being pretty damn good. Roy Williams screwed up. Now, I love Roy Williams. Hell, I let him cup my cousin's ass once but he's not quick enough to catch up to Santana Moss once Moss is behind him. However, Roy has the ability to hit him so hard that he'd shit out his teeth the next day. I also think that Aaron Glenn shouldn't have tried to pick off that second touchdown pass. He made a play for the ball and not the receiver. Like any good Monday/Tuesday morning coach, I know that move was the wrong move to make. OK, I admit that during the play I was yelling "pick it off" over and over again while spilling my nice light Dutch beer all over my shirt but what the hell do I know? I'm an idiot. And in closing, I hate Flozell Adams.

During halftime, the triplets were inducted into the Cowboys' Ring of Honor. That's great. All of my great childhood memories are saddled with these guys. Seeing Smith, Aikman, and Irvin up on the walls of Texas Stadium reminds me that I'm not a child anymore. I'm an adult now and I vote, I pay bills, I have illegitimate children and that sucks. It was suppose to be this way. These men lost together, won together, and they have been honored together. It's too bad that I couldn't watch the coverage on any channel. What the fuck is up with that? Some of you probably just think of football as a "child's game with no true heroes". Well, suck my dick losers. You were probably picked on in high school by the jocks. You probably never had sex until you date raped your first college girl. Football is awesome and in this sick sad world, it's all I have, at least until basketball season starts back up. I hope that I live to see another Dallas dynasty happen. I pray that there is a day when we have another set of "triplets" that immortalize our team. I yearn for the chance to hang out with the "wild one" of the group and bump some blow off a stripper's ass. That would indeed be awesome. Viva America's Team.

Also tonight, the New Orleans Saints lost their "home opener" in New Jersey against the giants. I guess somebody out there cares. Right now the Giants are on top of the NFC east. I wouldn't worry though. It's hard to take a team seriously when their Quarterback and backup quarterback will never be half of their older siblings. It's Reggie Miller syndrome.

During the games tonight, I was tempted to call the NFL Hurricane Katrina donation number. I all ready gave most of my money to hurricane relief but I wanted to chat with Donovan McNabb. It would have been sweet. As you may know, I've been trying to become pen pals with an NFL superstar and I figured that Donovan was a nice guy. He might actually be nice enough to put up with thoughtless semi-gay letters from me. I got scared though when I saw John Elway answering phones. I guess Elway was good and all but he looks like he has down syndrome. I don't have anything against our extra-chromosomian brothers but I can't let a retarded guy know that I wanted to talk to the cool kid sitting behind him. He might cry.

John Elway waits for your call.

Laveranues Coles was Sexually Abused.

2005-09-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

New York Jets wide receiver Laveranues Coles
is a survivor of sexual abuse. In a profile in Sunday editions of The New York Times, Coles said he was
molested between the ages of 10 and 13 by a man his mother later married. The Pro Bowl wide receiver thought he was alone in his inner struggles, and too
proud to let any outsiders into his personal prison. But Coles recently decided to free himself of his secret in the hopes it might help other children who have
endured abuse.

I think that's great. Not that Laveranues was touched in the butt by his stepfather, that's awful, I think it's great that he's talking about it. Stuff like this reminds us that football players aren't the godlike men that I pretend they are, they're human beings. Some of them are human beings that have suffered. Whether you like it or not, they're important people that can spotlight issues. Warrick Dunn, who might be the 2nd best person next to Roberto Clemente to ever play pro-sports, has "Homes for the Holidays". A charity he started to put single mothers into houses. Sure, some people might think that this is just Warrick's way to bang milfs but I've seen clips of some of the chicks. Apparently, Warrick gives them a home and a gift certificate to Luby's. Reminding people like me that these people are people makes me love the game even more. I like that Randy Moss cries during interviews while having a complete manic depressive meltdown. I like that Esera Tuaolo and David Kopay are out of the closet and queering off on Real Sports. Every time a family member dies, Brett Favre rapes another team. I love it.

Eagles- 10, Falcons- 14

2005-09-13T01:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight's monday night football game was between two teams that I love. I've always been a closet Eagles fan since the first time I watched Randall Cunningham be completely bad ass. He was like a black ninja dude dressed in all green. I like ninjas and I like the color green. In my opinion, the Falcons are the most exciting team to watch. Michael Vick can't possibly be human. I love to take non-football fans and show them Mikey Vick highlights. Soon after that, I notice their panties are wet and it's about time to shove parts of my body into their mouth. Yeah, scrambling QBs gets the ladies hot and bothered.

It was also pretty sweet to start the game with a brawl between two good ol' Texas boys. I have to question the sanity of Kevin Mathis though. Jeremiah Trotter is 6-1 262 pounds of "kick your ass". Kevin Mathis is 5-9 185 pounds of "not as good as DeAngelo Hall". I'd rather shoot myself in both kneecaps than get into a fight with Jeremiah Trotter. I'm so scared of him that I'm going to start sending him my lunch money. I hope he likes top ramen.

Don't make him angry...
you won't like him when he's gets angry.

The unstoppable Philadelphia Eagles lost to the the ridiculously exciting Atlanta Falcons. I thought the Eagles "Vick-proofed" their defense but as Paco pointed out, "they didn't Ron Mexico-proof themselves". Vick managed to trot around the Phili defense quicker than the herpes outbreaks he gives his groupies. In all honesty, if Michael Vick wanted to give me herpes, I'd let him give me herpes. Mikey Vick is fucking awesome.The Eagles did manage to shut him down but Mcnabb seemed to choke. I think he ate too much chunky soup before the game. That "beef sirloin" is disgusting. If Mother McNabb took away my chicken wings and forced me to eat that shit stew, I'd tackle her and dance over her lifeless corpse. Speaking of which...

I need Ray Lewis' address. I decided that we should become penpals. It'll be great. He'd be my best friend and I'd write to him everyday. Ray would come up with a signal for me during games just to let me know he's thinking about me. A real subtle signal like sacking the quarterback. I'm working on my first letter. It will be sent as soon as one of you douchechills give me his address...

Dear Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens,

I think you're great. I like it when you tackle people really hard. One day, a man stopped me and asked for my ID. He was a bouncer at a bar that I frequent. This irritated me because I've been coming to this bar even before I was legal to drink and I've never been IDed. The rage started to take over my body but I managed to calm down by thinking "what would Ray Lewis do? (WWRLD)" So, I tackled him and did the Ray Lewis dance over his broken body. I then yelled at a group of complete strangers and told them that we need 6. They called the cops.

Your Pal,
Will

P.S. I hate when people say that Brian Urlacher is better than you. It makes me want to throw monkey shit at them and make them dance the macerana. Fuck those people.

P.P.S Does Johnny Ogden smell bad? I bet he does.

This is why I hope he's my real dad.

NFL is Fake

2005-09-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

Kelly (10:49:34 PM): did you watch Bonaduce?
Will (10:49:48 PM): no, I was ready for some football
Kelly (10:50:04 PM): you will love it
Will (10:50:41 PM): it's not going to be like looking into a strange mirror that gives me red hair and instant c-level status is it?
Kelly (10:51:13 PM): we'll see
Will (10:53:42 PM): I think I just realized that pro-football is fake.
Will (10:53:46 PM): fake like pro-wrestling
Will (10:53:57 PM): today, the saints win against all odds
Will (10:54:06 PM): two weeks after New Orleans got sunk
Kelly (10:54:12 PM): God is with them
Will (10:54:13 PM): back after 9/11
Will (10:54:23 PM): the New York Giants rose to power
Will (10:54:30 PM): meanwhile the New York Jets went down
Will (10:54:37 PM): then the patriots won the superbowl
Will (10:54:48 PM): it's all a fix
Kelly (10:54:53 PM): I think you are on to something
Will (10:55:07 PM): I hope the CIA doesn't kill me for knowing all this
Kelly (10:55:36 PM): keep it under your helmet
Will (10:56:46 PM): I fail to see how a plastic waste bin with eyes cut out and the words "Space Man" on the front... is suppose to protect me from government assassins
Kelly (10:57:58 PM): Thank God someone is actually pointing that out

Cowboys 28, Chargers 24

2005-09-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

The Dallas Cowboys beat the Chargers today. I had the Cowboys losing in this one but I'm glad they made me pick wrong. I took notes during the game and now here (word for word, doodle for doodle) they are

NOTE: I was drinking a nice light Dutch beer during this game.

That dude can return.
Flozell Adams is dumb and I hate him.
Al Johnson is dumb and he's bad at his job.
Jesus Christ
Awesome, that Julius Jones is awesome.
Anthony Henry might be worth the money.
Roy Williams is great.
Jason Witten was horse collared
LT is great.
Drew Brees is great
Our Drew is great too.
What up bitches? We win.

And that's it.

Drew Bledsoe also became the 10th player to throw for 40,000 yards. I don't see why that is such a big deal. It took Bledsoe like 12 years to reach that. I can hit 40,000 halfway through one season on Madden. I'm such a bad ass.

Bye Bye, Jerry

2005-09-05T23:56:00.000-07:00

After 20 years in the National Football League, Jerry Rice retired. Jerry Rice, 42 years old, set 38 NFL records. He will probably be known as the greatest Wide Receiver that ever played the game of football, aside from me... I'm awesome....

I've always treated Football very differently from Basketball. I don't respect or enjoy watching any player that ripped into my hometown team like Roman Polanski with an 11 year old hymen. Jerry Rice is different though. Sometimes I'd watch him and then notice that I have an erection. That's how good he is at his job, he gives me a friggin' woody.

Here's to you Mr. Rice. Thanks for the wood.

Finley Signs with San Antonio

2005-09-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

The team that won the Michael Finley Sweepstakes is the same team that just won an NBA championship.

Finley told ESPN.com on Wednesday that he has chosen to sign with the San Antonio Spurs, spurning a richer offer from the Miami Heat and the lure of an emotional return to the Phoenix Suns to reunite with close friend Steve Nash.

Well, I told you I'd do it. I'm going to San Antonio to protest on the Riverwalk. To practice, I'll be at my local supermarket...

I was hoping that Finley would go to the Heat. The heat even offered him more money but after the amnesty clause cut, money isn't an issue. I guess he wants to Nash it up in a western conference rival and it looks like I have to make a new voodoo doll.

China Doesn't Screw Around with their Gymnasts

2005-08-31T01:26:00.000-07:00

BEIJING (Reuters) - China has ordered its national gymnasts to turn in their computers and car keys, turn off their cell phones at 10 p.m. and stay in at night, so they will be fresh for training the next day.

Athletes who failed to comply with the new rules would face fines of between 2,000 yuan and 5,000 yuan, the Beijing News reported on Wednesday.

I think that's great. We should do that to people here. I know some people are going to bitch about their "rights", whatever the fuck that means, but seriously, I can't take the Mavs not making it to the finals again. Maybe if they'd sleep more and not get distracted by groupies, weed, and booze, the Spurs or Suns wouldn't hand them their ass.

Cause this shit don't fly.

Ah, who am I kidding? I love that Dirk gets that piss drunk. It makes me like him all the more. Just like how I love Randy Moss and Rasheed Wallace because they smoke weed. I don't know if I like him queering off with Steve Nash but to each his own. But seriously Dirk, dude, win me a championship please. I've been a loyal Mavs fan all my life. I even wrote Cuban a letter explaining how I was willing to drive a wench in between Shaq, Kobe, and Phil Jackson... you're welcome entire western conferance. I think I deserve it.

TEreroel OWnens is aweoms... (NOT DONE) I ofound some of my pills.

2005-08-27T03:34:00.000-07:00

Terrell Owens is a dick head. This, like Asian chicks having sideways vaginas, is a fact. Donovan McNabb is a great dude, this like me being the greatest man that's ever walked the planet, is a scientific fact. A lot of people have been saying that they don't want TO playing this year. They want the Eagles to fuck him out of a year. I understand that line of thinking, TO pisses a lot of people off. However, I think we need a player like Owens out there playing. You can hate the man with every single part of our body, yes even the urine sitting in your bladder, but the man makes the game more exciting. The man raises the level of competition. The man helps make the game of football even better. I think the best players should be out there playing. I think what he's been trying to do to the Eagle organization is uncalled for an unforgivable but whatever.

My canex i s kicking in so I 'll finish this momotw unless i ofogert. It might be fdangrouer s t o just abmrled on and n about terrolelel owens and my closet phili fan living in Cobwoyu land. I'tsn otli that I don't like the Cowbyoys, I love the cowboys aside fom a few douchyey O-linemenana. Roy Williams is col Ia think he may have grabbed my little male coucinsins ass. Maybe I'll post the picture. Does Roy Willism sue over that shit? Who am I illing. Rouy WIlliams doesn't read. He's a fucking OU guy.

KI promise to clean this bullshit up and say what "m really tying to say laster I think I made a mistaeke with thse pills at 6 am and a few beers. Sorrym playa playa.

My First Dallas Cowboy Preseason Game

2005-08-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

SEATTLE -
Dallas Cowboys rookie Demarcus Ware looks ready to be an NFL linebacker. In one half, Ware forced two fumbles, recovered one, had an interception, a sack and three tackles in Dallas' 18-10 preseason victory over the Seattle Seahawks on Monday night.

Wow, I believe that Demarcus Ware also raped a man on the 50 yard line during half time. What a fucking hoss. I know it's just the pre-season and it doesn't count but that's damn impressive. I probably couldn't even do that in a game with my little cousins and they're all in elementary school. But in all fairness, they're a little big for their age. No Asian child should be above 2 feet when they're 6 years old.

This has been the first pre-season game that I watched that didn't involve the dolphins. Again, I know it's the pre-season and it doesn't count but I'm so fucking excited about this defense that I may masturbate to the idea in a few minutes. It was also nice to see a kicker that could actually kick. I hope Billy Cundif never comes back from his HIV or whatever he's injured with. That Cortez guy is great. Not too many people can conquer the Aztecs and kick a couple of 40 plus yards field goal.

I think I might start recapping every Cowboy game this season. I'll probably be so wasted during the games that I don't remember anything though. I want to do it. I don't know what it is but something about large and angry men wearing tight pants fighting over chunks of land does something for me. Huh? Do I hear a Diana Ross song?

Randy Moss Smokes the Pot

2005-08-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK (AP) -- Oakland Raiders receiver Randy Moss admits he has used marijuana since entering the NFL seven years ago and still smokes it "every blue moon."

All I want to say is that Randy Moss is awesome. If he wants to get high then let him get high. If he wants to bump a meter maid with his car for a mile then let him. If he wants to wear a leotard and do the river dance while downing bottle after bottle of Nyquil then let him. He's better than me. He's better than you. I think he might be the reincarnation of Christ. Yes, I said it. Little known fact, Jesus ran one hell of a post route.

Look at him. Of course he gets high.

Randy Winn hits for the Cycle.

2005-08-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

CINCINNATI - Randy Winn of the San Francisco Giants hit for the cycle in his first four at-bats Monday night against the Cincinnati Reds.

Winn led off the first inning with a single and the third with his ninth homer this season — his third in 13 games since being acquired from Seattle on July 30. The speedy center fielder doubled with one out in the fourth and opened the sixth with a triple to right-center in the Giants' 7-3 victory

I saw this on ESPN and I got to say that Randy Winn swings a bat like a pussy. Aside from that, good for him I guess. Nobody chanted my name when I went hit my cycle, sex with four different animals in one night but whatever. I'm always being under appreciated for the shit that I do. Just wait, I'm going to fake my death and at my funeral I'm going to let all you people get sad. When everyone is crying I'll jump out of the coffin and scream, "HAHA, got you fuckers!". Then you'll be the ones that look like the fool. Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn ain't got nothin' on my pimpin' skills. Fuck those guys.

Mavs Finally Get their Shit Straight: Later, Finley

2005-08-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

Later Fin, it's been nice knowing you. Michael Finley helped build the Mavericks into the team it is today. It's a sad day for us to see him go.

DALLAS -- Michael Finley was waived late Monday night by the Dallas Mavericks, who took advantage of a one-time amnesty provision that will allow them to avoid luxury taxes on the $51.8 million owed their captain over the next three seasons.

The Mavs spent all day Monday exploring trade options, and waited until just before the late-night deadline to release Finley and take advantage of the provision in the NBA's new labor agreement.

I'm lying. I'm happy to see him go. Don't get me wrong, I'm very much grateful for the years that Finley put into the team but it's reached that point where we have to send him to the dog food/glue factory. Let's be honest, he's not worth $51.8 million. It's a win/win situation. Finley gets his money, Cuban doesn't have to pay the luxury tax, and we don't have to see him put up mediocre numbers in a Dallas jersey any more. I just hope he doesn't Nash out on us and have a stand out year for a Western conference rival. The Spurs are interested in picking him up and if he goes there then I'll personally drive down to San Antonio and pick fights with the entire stinky river walk. As my colleague once said, "fuck Shamu and Tim Duncan"

I just don't get why the knicks didn't drop that piece of shit Houston. Isiah Thomas is an idiot. I like what I heard somebody say once about him, I forgot who but I think it was on Around the Horn, there is two I's in idiot and two in Isiah.

Maria Loves Us

2005-08-11T02:51:00.000-07:00

Maria Sharapova beat some other dyke in some tournament or something. Whatever, tennis is stupid. The real news is that Maria announced her undying love for Team Wilco. That's right. She freakin' loves us. If it's good enough for the top tennis talent in the world then it's good enough for your common peon ass.

Get in Line Sweet Tits... Get in Line

The Coolest Thing Today.

2005-08-05T01:48:00.000-07:00

Seven-year-old trained chimpanzee, Rudi, pretends to play golf during 'the animal wonder stage' at the Everland in Yongin, about 50 km (31 miles) south of Seoul, July 6, 2005.

I've been a little tough on Koreans lately. But seriously, how can I be mad at/scared of people that have a monkey playing golf? That's just hilarious. A chimp can make even the most normal activity more fun. The PGA should let him play. He has a better shot of making the cut than Michelle Wie.

There is no story here. I'm just here sitting in the dark, drinking wine, and chanting "O Fortuna". Power dissolves like ice, muthafucka. Sorry for wasting a minute of your life that you'll never get back.

I'm lying. I'm not sorry. I hate all of you.

The Most Confusing Trade Ever.

2005-08-03T02:15:00.000-07:00

MIAMI - In the largest trade in NBA history, Antoine Walker was dealt from Boston to Miami on Tuesday night in a transaction involving five teams and 13 players.

The Heat also acquired point guard Jason Williams and small forward James Posey from Memphis, while the Grizzlies received guard Eddie Jones from the Heat. The New Orleans Hornets and Utah Jazz were also involved in the deal.

Miami also received Andre Emmett from Memphis and the draft rights to Roberto Duenas of Spain from the Hornets; Utah received Greg Ostertag from Memphis; Boston picked up Curtis Borchardt from Utah and a package — Qyntel Woods, the draft rights to Spanish center Albert Miralles, two second-round draft picks and cash — from Miami; New Orleans acquired Rasual Butler from Miami and Kirk Snyder from Utah; and the Grizzlies received guard Raul Lopez from the Jazz.

Well holy shit. I'm so confused I can't even comment. I would have sworn that Greg Ostertag would have chewed off some buck shot by now. Surely he knows that he sucks. Oh and I guess the trade is pretty confusing too. I'm guessing that the Heat get Jason Williams, James Posey, and Antoine Walker while pushing Eddie Jones into Memphis. It's starting to look like the Heat are going to be tough this year. I have a feeling that a key player will be Grant Hill-ing it up this year. Hopefully it'll be Walker so that Wayne Simien can get some playing time. I still think that he was the biggest steal of the draft even though his legs break during breezy days.

If somebody wants to stop to explain this to me that'd be a great help. I think visual aides would help. Hehe, AIDs.

Rafael Palmeiro Might be a Big Fat Liar

2005-08-02T03:08:00.000-07:00

BALTIMORE - When Rafael Palmeiro became the fourth player in major league history to collect 3,000 hits and 500 home runs, his status as a future member of the Hall of Fame seemed somewhat secure. That topic is again open for discussion, along with a new one: Palmeiro's credibility.

Five months after telling Congress he never used steroids, Palmeiro on Monday received a 10-day suspension from Major League Baseball after testing positive for a performance-enhancing drug.

I don't have much to say about this. I've always liked Rafeal Palmeiro. That's saying a lot because I tend to hate all baseball players that aren't Roberto Clemente or Ozzie Smith. I met Palmeiro at an autograph signing when I was a kid and he seemed like a nice guy. I also met Pete Incaviglia. Inky was a total dick.

I really hope that this is just a case of a player being unfamiliar with which supplements are illegal. I've heard that may be the case in the string of performance-enhancing drug cases this year. That would be the player's fault. They should learn what is or isn't allowed. I know that when I was the "King of cigarettes and mango cigarillos" when I was working at the Quick Trip, I learned every single rule and regulation. Well, that's to entirely true. If you change the word "rule" to "law" and the word regulation to "hearts" and the word "learned" to "break without a care" then it'd be a true statement.

If Palmeiro is forever linked with Canseco, Giambi, Bonds, Sosa, Bruce Banner, McGwire, and the rest of those roid heads then it would certainly be a sad day. Well, I'd be sad for like a minute or so. I would then realize that channel 27 is running an all day marathon of Cops in Fort Worth and I'd spend the rest of my day looking for my house and/or family.

I think we all know what happened here. It's obvious that a new Oriole pick up has been a bad influence on Rafael. I won't name names but it rhymes with Cosa. That's a soft "C".

Ah fuck it, Sammy Sosa.
Yes, it was Sammy Sosa.

Bobsleds, Cross country Skiers, and Bears, Oh My!

2005-08-02T02:38:00.000-07:00

VANCOUVER (AFP) - Dozens of urbanized black bears are making life uncomfortable for residents of the coastal mountain suburbs of Vancouver in Canada's westernmost province British Columbia.

The number of complaints against black bears in north Vancouver have reached an all-time high of 1,200 so far this year, four times the number conservation officers received in 2004, which was itself a record year.

You can't really blame the black bears for the trouble it seems to cause. It's not the color of their fur. it's the low income of their area.

If you're a regular reader then you know that I've been on a campaign to kill all the bears for a while now. If you're not a regular reader but you know me personally, then you know that I'd think something like this up. If you're not a regular reader and you don't know me and you have a cute daughter between the ages of 17-40 then please let me have her.

I've always feared something like this would happen. I could be hanging out in front of the local middle school, minding my own business, and then BOOM, a fucking bear shoots me with an AK-47. That shit ain't cool. However, I think having a bunch of bears wandering around for the winter Olympics is pretty cool. I never cared about that particular brand of Olympics and I think throwing a polar bear on the ice with a figure skater would be pretty bitchin'. I bet Michelle Kwan could rassle a bear to the ground. She's like that you know.

Shawn Bradley Still Sucks

2005-07-29T02:01:00.000-07:00

Shawn Bradley sucks always. This along with photosynthesis is a scientific fact. The announcement of his pending retirement was a great day for all of mankind. I always assumed that everyone agreed on Shawn Bradley being the biggest waste of space this side of Women's American soccer. I guess this was one of those rare occasions where I was wrong...

People actually want to retire his number.

Yeah, that Shawn Bradley. Yeah, I don't get it.

Here's a quote from their plea to Mark Cuban.

We, the loyal fans of the Dallas Mavericks Basketball Club were heartbroken a few weeks ago when Shawn Bradley announced his pending retirement. We would appreciate it if Shawn's number, 44, were retired. It would be a classy gesture to one of the elite centers of our time. Shawn put in 8 and a half good seasons for us and it has been our pleasure watching him dominate in the paint.

Elite center? If by elite center you mean instant highlight reel dunk for guards then you're right. Shawn Bradley has had more facials than Kobe Tai. Paco suggested that we send that 7'6'' useless ass to the glue factory but I think he'd be better served as a prop for the slam dunk contest. I'm sure Jason Richardson and Tracy McGrady would agree. I'm not going to pretend that Shawn Bradley hasn't had a good game or two. Hell, he lead the league in blocks back in 2001. He also had a monster 22 points, 22 rebounds, and 13 blocks against the Trail Blazers back in 98. Hell, they were a play off team that year. Of course, they were all probably higher than... well, Team Wilco but that's besides the point. However, for every 2 decent things that Shawn Bradley did, he did 80 god awful atrocities against humanity. Maybe the Hussein family had something right when they were torturing their athletes that under performed. If you see this petition, don't sign it. If somebody tries to get you to sign it, kick them in the balls and call them a witch. We shall rally together and set that person on fire. I'll bring the marshmallows.

Ostertag and Bradley battle over
the "lamest white guy" award.

I just wanted to add that some douchebag at Duke's Original Roadhouse was bitching about the "cry baby me me dirty players" in the NBA. He also sang the praises of the purity of baseball. I'm not going to pretend that the NBA isn't filled with megalomaniac thugs with too much money but you can't hold baseball up as the "golden child". There is more cheating in one game of baseball then there is in an entire season of the NBA. This week, Sportscenter has been nothing but dirty baseball plays and who's a bigger dick head than Kenny Rogers right now? He makes TO look like Mr. Rogers. You know, when Mr. Rogers wasn't touching all the neighborhood kids in the butt hole while visiting the land of make believe. I don't want people to think that I'm bashing baseball though. I've been watching it more often lately and I've been enjoying it. I've also been doing more acid.

Manuel Wright: 300 Pound Stinky Pussy

2005-07-28T03:18:00.000-07:00

My younger sister called me a prick for laughing about this. She's one to talk. She tends to find the lamest looking person in a room and picks on them. And, by "picks on them" I mean beat them with an inanimate object...

DAVIE, Fla. -- Miami Dolphins rookie Manuel Wright, who broke down in tears after he was chewed out by coach Nick Saban on Tuesday, missed Wednesday morning's practice to have his ailing back examined.

Yes, a grown ass man cried at football practice in front of cameras. Yes, there is video if you follow that link. Yes, it's friggin' hilarious. I don't know what it is but seeing a man that could crush me with one hand cry because the big bad coach said something mean really brightens my day. Cigarettes, booze, and pills help too. Hell yeah, pills. I'm a dolphins fan. It's been very tough being one lately but I have high, but still reasonable, hopes for this year. I don't want my team being tarnished even more by some 300 pound stinky pussy. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not an NFL player, I've never been an NFL player, and I will probably never achieve that goal. I lie sometimes and tell people that I played for the Vikings but it's bullshit. I don't know what kind of mental abuse these guys go through but I doubt it's any worse than that time I got yelled at by a marine drill instructor on the bus one day. I didn't cry. He shouldn't cry. Manuel Wright is fresh out of USC. In the 3 or so years that he played there, did he not once get his balls busted? In his years of pee wee, middle school, high school, and college football has a coach never shit down his neck? The expectations of an NFL player are higher and Wright should have known this would happen. I learned this while playing for the Vikings back in 99. Randy Moss once kicked me in the nuts because I threw an interception in a pre-season game. Later, he confessed that he did it because he just likes kicking people in the nuts. Randy Moss can do that. He's fucking awesome. So, in conclusion of this very clouded poor excuse of a post, since the big giant man isn't close enough to rip me in half and drink my blood fresh from my body... Manuel Wright is still tit fed.

Boo-fucking-hoo.

Kickball: not just for "der ders" anymore.

2005-07-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

SYRACUSE, N.Y. - Don Radell stood on the pitcher's mound, his socks hoisted to just below his knees. One black, one red, a tiny bit of skin showing between the tops of the socks and his baggy shorts. His Little League son said it brings good luck, so why not?

"It seems ridiculous, I know, but you almost can't help having fun," he said.

For Radell and many others, it's recess revisited — but these players left fifth grade a long time ago. It's kickball, and the schoolyard game is catching on with adults such as the 33-year-old Radell, who plays on a team with his wife, her friends and his bowling and softball buddies.

You might think that I would be in support of this. I'm a strong supporter of the dodgeball movement. In particularly, I support Pugs and Kelly dodgeball at Duke's Original Roadhouse. Dodgeball is a violent sport that mixes beer, off-duty strippers, and roid heads that want to kick each other's ass. That's a damn good time. Kickball is a boring take on baseball. It's baseball without the skill. Baseball tends to get boring from time to time and from what I remember, kickball is boring all the time.

In school, dodgeball was played by the elite bullies and jockos who used it as a legal excuse to beat the hell out of the weak. It was like smear the queer with rubber balls. These days, it's not that different.

Kickball was the sport that the mentally handicapped class would play because they couldn't handle fast pace of baseball. You know baseball, the sport where the right fielder can virtually go the entire game without having to leave his spot.

Kickball for retarded people is great. It makes them happy and teaches team work. This is helpful for when they become baggers at Albertson's. Adults with "sound minds" shouldn't embrace retarded culture. Call me old fashioned but I think that wearing helmets, drooling, pooping your pants, and playing kickball should remain with our extra-chromosomian brothers. We Americans have raped and pillaged enough cultures. Let this one go.

Told you retardeds played it.

Lance WIns 7th. Does us all a Favor and Hangs it up.

2005-07-25T05:49:00.000-07:00

PARIS (AFP) - American Lance Armstrong waved goodbye to what has been a remarkable cycling career after securing his seventh consecutive yellow jersey following the 21st and final stage of the Tour de France.

Lance Armstrong is a man who, against all odds, started racing with one nut. That's impressive. Coming back from cancer to become the most dominant person in your sport and arguably the most dominant person in the sports world is an amazing feat. I have no problems with Lance Armstrong.

My problem is those yellow band wearing, Cycling dinner party talk, "oooo did you see what Lance did" while sports center is on, ass faces. After 7 years, they'll all finally shut up. Finally, you band wagon jumping choads can shut up about Lance and cycling. You can stop pretending like you care. You can stop pretending that a man winning a bicycle race is a great accomplishment for our country. You can stop pretending that Lance is a symbol of our freedom. Lets talk about real heroes like Kobayashi. Hell yeah. Hot dogs.

Because I was a Bully and I have to...

2005-07-21T02:39:00.000-07:00

MONTREAL (AFP) - Dick Pound, president of the World Anti-Doping Agency, decried the plea deal in the BALCO steroid case that mean the involvement of high profile athletes, such asMarion Jones, may never be known.

I didn't even read this article. I think it's about sports. Dude, his name is Dick Pound. Yes, I'm a bully and I do pick on people for their names. Dick Pound, that guy's just asking for it. Dick Pound... Jesus Christ, that's funny. Wouldn't you say so Jesus?

Little Known Fact: the real Jesus was Filipino.

Dick Pound is as funny, if not funnier, than Nascar driver Dick Trickle.

Oh Jesus, you so crazy!

Volley Ball May not be that Bad.

2005-07-21T01:13:00.000-07:00

Stick that pinky out too. Yeah, that's a good time.

I'm sure I spoke ill of beach volley ball before. I think I've had a change of heart. No wait, that was just the chili dogs I ate. It's still stupid. Sure, occasionally you'll see a great looking body on one of these chicks. Sure, it looks good flopping around on the sand. But come on, you can just visit seehersquirt.com.

Fuck the Flip Flops, Lacrosse isn't even a Sport.

2005-07-20T01:38:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've seen this picture by now. I'm sure you've heard the "flip flop" controversy. If not, read HERE. Well, I don't care about that. Personally, I think it's tacky but who am I to judge? I'd meet the president with a camel dangling out of mouth. I take offense to the suggestion that lacrosse is a real sport. In particularly, women's lacrosse. Fuck that "sport". What's next? Hanging out with the academic decathlon team? I also have real beef with Northwestern. Man, fuck that school.

Having cornered the baseball market, Cuban moves on to buying hockey franchises

2005-07-19T00:41:00.000-07:00

Mark Cuban is a busy man this week, as the rumor mills have him buying sports franchise after sports franchise. What's he buying this time? The St. Louis Blues.

The St. Louis Blues? What is that... hockey?

Yes, it's hockey. Remember that sport that nobody watches? Yea, that one. With the ice skating and fist fights and lots of untrustworthy Russians. It started off with an article in the St. Louis Business Journal. Cuban was asked if he was buying the Blues, and he didn't comment. The speculation continued over to the sports page of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. They went over the pros of Cuban buying the Blues, like the fact that Cuban is loaded. They left out the cons, like the fact that hockey sucks.

I can't blame all these people for wanting Mark Cuban to buy their crappy sports franchises, he's the most awesome owner in the history of sports. But he's ours. Back off, fuckers.

Don't Vote for a Proven Loser

2005-07-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know this guy. I don't know his politics. I don't even live in that state. Hell, I couldn't even give a shit. I just know that if you live in Western North Carolina. You shouldn't vote for Heath Shuler. Eh, what's the use? It's not like any of you people actually vote.

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) -- Former National Football League quarterback Heath Shuler plans to run for the U.S. Congress.

Shuler, 33, a Democrat, said in a statement Monday that he has filed papers with the Federal Election Commission that clear the way for him to run next year in the 11th Congressional District for the U.S. House of Representatives seat held by Republican Charles Taylor.

***

"Far too many families in western North Carolina are struggling to earn a decent living, educate their children, and pay for health care," Shuler said. "Congress is spending too much time playing partisan politics, instead of working to find solutions to the real problems facing our families."

OK, that's not too bad right? He's right. Congress does sit around with their fingers in their ass worrying about ruining sports by taking out the drugs and pissing around about whether or not they should feed some brain dead fugster like Terry Shiavo. However, lets get to the real issue.

Four seasons with the Redskins and the Saints.
Starting only 22 games
15 touchdowns
33 interceptions

Christ, 33 interceptions? If the Redskins and the Saints couldn't trust this guy to run their crappy teams then why should the good people of North Carolina trust him to be their representative in the big cluster fuck that is the US congress? He also has a brother named Benjie. That's not a brother, that's a fucking dog. It's not even a sports playing dog like Air Bud. Just useless. North Carolina should elect a proven winner who is both sneaky and tough. A man that doesn't take shit and could put pussies like Brian Baird into a figure four leg lock. Bitch, leave my meth alone WOOOOOOO! That's right. I'm talking about mother fucking Ric Flair.

16 world championships.
WOOOOOOOOOO!

How many other congressmen do you know that would actually sneak a set of brass knuckles in his tights? Sean May could also run but he's too fat.

Sorry sons of bitches in Phoenix have eyes on Finley

2005-07-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

First, they stole Steve Nash from us. Now, as the Dallas Mavericks may or may not prepare to toss Michael Finley like last week's leftovers, it seems that evil hellhole in Arizona is prepared to make a move for him as well. Eddie Sefko with the Dallas Morning News reports that Nash said Finley would be a "great fit" for the Suns. If the Mavericks did buy-out Finley, he'd be a free agent with $51 million dollars in his pocket, and according to his agent, more then 10 teams have shown interest in him in the event that this does happen. All I know is, I'm sick of the fucking Phoenix Suns cashing in off of the Dallas Mavericks.

Mark Cuban is buying all the baseball teams in the world

2005-07-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

It must be nice to be Mark Cuban. Every where you go, people automatically speculate that you're buying the place. Example:

Mark Cuban fills in as the guest conductor singing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" during the 7th inning stretch of a Pittsburgh Pirates/Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field on Friday.

That morning, the Chicago Sun-Times runs this article: "Cuban can't discount notion of 0wning Cubs"

"The Cubbies are such an institution, if they became available, it would certainly be exciting to consider,'' he said via e-mail.

Wow. You send off an e-mail to Cuban, knowing he's going to be at the Cubs game, ask him if he's interested in buying the Cubs, he gives you the expected "maybe" response, suddenly that becomes the headline.

The only problem is... Mark Cuban is a Pirates fan. And Pittsburgh wants a piece of this speculation. So, the next day, probably after hearing that "Mark Cuban is buying the Cubs", the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette runs an article, knowing Cuban is going to be in Pittsburgh on Monday. The article: "Cuban interested if Pirates for sale"

"If they ever decided to sell, I'd definitely be interested in taking a look," Cuban said. "But I'm certainly not the type to be proactive about it because that's not fair to Kevin [McClatchy, Pirates owner].

What I found most interesting about this article, though, was that Cuban actually referenced the bullshit speculation article that was written the day before, and they went ahead and used the quote in their bullshit speculation article.

"There was an article in [a Chicago] paper [yesterday] about me buying the Cubs," Cuban said. "You know, wherever I go, someone's going to speculate."

Paging Dr. Shaq...

2005-07-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

The war of the words between the Los Angeles Lakers and the very manly Shaquille O'Neal has sparked up again. This time, it was newly signed, 17 year old Lakers rookie Andrew Bynum who started it, by saying he's like Shaq, if he could make free throws. This angered Big Diesel, who said "Tell him Shaq doesn't respond to juvenile delinquents without a college degree. Tell him to get his degree and we can talk. In the meantime, he should call me Dr. Shaq because I'm working on my PhD."

Juvenile delinquent Andrew Bynum

Sorry Shaq, but you're hardly a doctor if you get a degree from University of Phoenix. That's not even a real college. That degree is about as legitimate as my title of "Reverend". Actually, my title of "Reverend" is more legitimate then a University of Phoenix degree. Sorry, big fella. You're just going to have dunk all over this dude.

WNBA suspends some chick for 5 Games

2005-07-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

In a scandal sure to rock the lesbian basketball watching community, the WNBA has suspended Detroit Shock guard Elaine Powell for Karl Malone-like behavoir. Apparently, she elbowed Washington Mystics guard Coco Miller. Yes, her name is really "Coco". Since nobody bothers wasting valuable film on WNBA games, we can only imagine the incident happened like this comic reinactment of the assault:

Ron Artest: "I swear, I won't hurt anybody this time"

2005-07-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

Ron Artest spoke to the local Indiana media on Monday, the first time since he turned into the Incredible Hulk in Detroit and beat the crap out of the first wimpy-looking white guy he could find in the crowd. He said he was going to try to remain in control and cut down on the technical fouls this year. "I'm a ghetto-type guy," he said. "I'll be ghetto for the rest of my life. But at the same time, there's a lot of kids who look up to me. For that, I'll change."

I'm glad Ron Artest is coming back. The Indiana Pacers are boring without him. I don't know how they made it to the second round of the playoffs last year... oh wait, that's right, the East Conference sucks balls. I hope Ron Artest only beats up other players this year. You only get suspended a couple of games for that.

Artest's crimes against humanity include starting
that sweet brawl in Detroit and shamelessly
plugging his whack ass rap albums.

Nike to Kobe: "We think the rape stink has washed off enough"

2005-07-12T03:18:00.000-07:00

Nike has begun using photos of alleged rapist and Los Angeles Lakers' one man show Kobe Bryant in an advertisment in Sports Illustrated this week, the first since his arrest two years ago. Kobe signed the $45 million dollar Nike deal shortly before he was arrested, and since then McDonalds and Nutella has dropped him as an endorser. Companies are better off getting more talented and Jordan-esque players like LeBron James, who hasn't raped anybody... yet. At least someone who is a non-Laker. People will sing the praises of the champshionships won in Los Angeles by Shaq and Kobe and the Showtime Lakers, and the titles won in the 50s in Minneapolos... but what about in the 40s, when they were called the Waffen-SS? Nobody wants to remember that chapter of Lakers history.

In other basketball player named "Bryant" news, the Los Angeles Sparks have hired former NBA and Italian basketball league player and father of alleged rapist and Los Angeles Lakers' one man show Kobe Bryant, Joe Bryant as an assistant coach. Bryant will coach under Henry Bibby, who also has a son who plays in the NBA, Mike Bibby, but no one has ever accused him of rape... they're pretty sure he's in to dudes. My buddy Marcus said he once saw Mike Bibby at Tower Records with two transvestites. I believe it, he's pretty fruity looking. I bet the Maloof brothers get together and have an Imperial grand Roman-style orgy with the Sacramento Kings and they all have a big circle jerk and eat strawberries and draw pictures of each other naked. That's why they're soft on defense.

Kate Faber's advice to the Los Angeles Sparks:
Watch your ass!

Too Bad the Khans Didn't have Skateboards...

2005-07-11T02:48:00.000-07:00

The great wall of China is a wonderful piece of history that dates back to 400-700 years before Jesus even thought about giving his posse his body and blood. It helped protect China from the Mongolians and the Manchurians. Well, I guess it didn't do that good a job. Despite it's inefficiency at keeping foreigners from taking over, the wall is still a great symbol of Chinese unity and accomplishment. It can be viewed from space. Some people think that means that it deserves even more respect. Whatever, I doubt any space aliens are looking at that thin jagged line and thinking "hey, we better not take over them... they got that wall". They'd just laugh, blaze another space joint, and anal probe another trailer trash jerk off.

Considering the history of the great wall, you'd think that the Chinese would be very careful to not soil it's glory with silly round eye hobbies. You would think...

Daredevil skateboarder Danny Way rolled down a massive ramp at nearly 50 mph and jumped across the Great Wall of China on Saturday, becoming the first person to clear the wall without motorized aid, an event sponsor said.

While I'm talking about China, I should bring up my hatred for pandas. I do not trust them. They're cute and cuddly but they're also dangerous. They invite you in with their innocent look and then BOOM, they pop your head off and drink your blood. Don't give me this "99 percent of their diet is bamboo" bullshit. Don't believe that liberal propaganda. They are still bears. Bears eat people. Remember that episode of Yogi Bear when Yogi and Boo Boo ripped off Ranger Smith's leg and ate it? Yeah me neither, that cartoon was lame. I'm fairly sure it happened though. I still think that Pandas are really Chinese spies.

Look at those shifty eyes. It's the eyes of a sawed-off killer.

The Gambler Goes Wild

2005-06-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

Kenny Rogers is a dick head, according to local news and radio. His actions of late seem to confirm this. I should probably add, before I get more into this, that I don't watch a lot of baseball. I do watch Baseball Tonight every once and a while and I seem to be able to fake a baseball conversation. So, I'm probably speaking out of my smooth Asian ass.

ARLINGTON, Texas -- Kenny Rogers' angry close-up with a couple of television cameramen put one of them in the hospital and could result in a suspension for the Texas Rangers' ace.

Rogers shoved two cameramen before the Rangers' game against Los Angeles on Wednesday in a videotaped tirade that included throwing a camera to the ground and threatening to break more.

"Don't get me angry.... you won't like me when I'm angry...
KENNY SMASH!!!"

"Kenny is having anger issues right now," Rangers general manager John Hart said. "I don't know what's going on inside. We're responding to something that's very unusual."

Rogers, who missed his last start with a broken pinkie he sustained during an outburst earlier this month, lashed out at the cameramen as they filmed him walking to the field for pregame stretching. He wasn't scheduled to pitch and was sent home by the club following the incidents.

You can click that link I just gave to see the video of the incident. It's pretty interesting to see. He's been under the scrutiny of the media here lately and he's been upset. That's completely understandable. I don't have people following me around at my job, reporting everything I do to everyone in the world. I don't have people on radio stations shitting all over me for the things that I do... well, sometimes I do.... If had that then I'd probably grow angry and bitter too. And Honestly, who hasn't wanted to push a camera man around? The problem seems to be that Kenny Rogers was so deliberate with his actions. It was a little more than a quick outburst of sudden rage. He had a sudden rage when he broke his pinkie finger while punching a water cooler earlier this month. I know it wasn't his throwing hand but what the fuck? Take care of your hands for Christ sake, you're a pitcher. You can kick Chan Ho Park to express your anger. He sucks and kicking him might be worth the ridiculous salary he makes. Let us not act like we haven't done anything stupid in a quick fit of frustration. The broken pinky incident seems to be the cap on Rogers' rage. His inability to pitch in a game against the Angels, a team that raped the rangers recently, had people questioning his work ethic. I would be super pissed too. I want to punch anybody that calls me lazy. For some of us, our work is our passion and to question the passion of a man is like questioning his man hood. I'd be forced to cut out your heart and eat it for strength. When you consider how I would have handled this, it could have ended up a lot worse.

If Kenny is having "anger issues" then I suggest he pick up a relaxing hobby. I suggest he try sewing. Gordon Liu did in "Fist of the White Lotus". He was able to use that and acupuncture to defeat the chief of the White Lotus. Just think about how many cameramen you can beat down, Kenny. Maybe you could go back to singing country music. Those people are always rational and cool headed.

On the long list of awesome Rangers moments, this has to be underneath Nolan Ryan beating the shit out of Robin Ventura. It's still pretty awesome though.

Robin Ventura might have been the best College Player of the 80s
but I'll still remember him only for this.

The stupidest article ever written...

2005-06-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

Normally, I enjoy Sports Illustrated, but I just read an article that has pissed me off to no end. Here's an abbreviated version of it:

So it's almost over for Shawn Bradley. After 12 NBA seasons, Bradley and the Dallas Mavericks are negotiating a buyout... blah blah blah.

I have always rooted for Bradley. He was taken second overall in the 1993 draft by my hometown team, the 76ers. I was among many with high expectations... blah blah blah.

But even after it was clear Bradley's skinny shoulders couldn't carry the weight of expectations -- and it took me a long time to come around -- I still pulled for him. In part because Bradley was something of a patron saint of uncoordinated tall guys, of which I am one.

But more than that, was this:

I thought the 76ers messed with him. I didn't think Bradley ever had a fair shot.

What?

Shawn Bradley didn't ever have a fair shot? That stupid motherfucker was SEVEN FEET AND SIX INCHES tall. When you're that tall, you don't have to jump to dunk the basketball. That's not fair, but not in the way this dumb fuck is thinking.

Then he goes on to talk about how the 76ers did all this different stuff to try to improve Bradley's piss poor game, but none of it worked, and it was more torture for Bradley then anything else. Whatever. That's really fucking easy for a Philadelphia fan to say. Obviously you haven't had to watch Bradley in Dallas for the past 9 years. Fuck you, Bill Syken. Here's an idea: punch yourself in the face as hard as you can 82 times a year. Because that's what it's like watching Shawn Bradley play basketball. He deserves no sympathy. If he was a horse, they would make him into glue. Hell, I think we should try making him into glue regardless.

Thoughts on the NBA Draft

2005-06-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to the NBA draft on ESPN radio right now. Why am I listening to it on the radio instead of watching it on TV? Well, on the radio, there is no Dick Vitale, no Steven A. Smith, and no other douchebag analysts who irritate the ever-living shit out of me. There's nothing more annoying then Dick Vitale trying to sell how great college basketball is while the majority of players being drafted never bothered to finish college. Also, there's no need to actually watch the draft, unless you like seeing lanky giants wearing incredibly tacky pinstripe suits. Whenever I see some 6'11" 19-year-old wearing a custom-made suit so ugly it had to come straight out of Steve Harvey's closet, I always wonder how much his poor parents paid for it.

Anyways, this draft is rather unimpressive. The Mavericks don't even have a draft pick, so I'm pretty much completely uninterested . Here's a few observations I've made, before I fall asleep:

1. Charlotte is looking good. They managed to get UNC stars Raymond Felton and Sean May at 5 and 13. That should make the local yokels happy. They're also starting to put together an impressive team, with Felton, May, and Emeka Okafor. They've managed to snatch nothing but NCAA champions in the first round of the draft for the past two years.

2. The Knicks and the Lakers are retarded. I wouldn't of picked Channing Frye and Andrew Bynum over any of the other top 20 picks, but whatever. We're talking about one team that let Isaiah Thomas a) build a team, b) build a team around Stephon Marbury, and another team that traded the most dominant player in the world, Shaquille O'Neal, for Lamar Odom and a bunch of nobodies.

3. I don't understand the Kurt Thomas for Quentin Richardson and the 21st pick trade between Phoenix and New York. Normally New York is the one that gets screwed over in these deals (at least when Isaiah Thomas is involved), but this one makes no sense at all for Phoenix. The Suns want to move Amare Stoudemire back down to power forward, and think that Kurt Thomas will add a defensive presence, but I don't see that working in Phoenix's run and gun style they play. Kurt Thomas is going to slow the Suns down, just like Eric Dampier does the Mavericks.

Finley the next to go?

2005-06-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

Eddie Sefko at the Dallas Morning News reports that two sources within the Mavericks organizations said Michael Finley could be the target of a clause in the collective bargaining agreement allowing owners to waive a player and be relieved of any luxury-tax responsibility attached to the player's contract.

I remember when Finley used to dunk...
it was right before he signed that big contract.

First Bradley, now Finley? It seems like everything I've been praying for the past 3 years is about to finally happen. Of course, knowing my luck, both these stories are just dumb rumors, and Finley and Bradley will both be in our starting lineup next year.

Maybe There is a God

2005-06-23T01:45:00.000-07:00

I prayed for this day, everyday, for about 8 years or so. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Stormin' Mormon is retiring.

Dallas Mavericks center Shawn Bradley has informed the team of his intention to retire and is negotiating a buyout of his contract.

Oh man, it's like Christmas, my birthday, and Kwanza wrapped into one. Sports Center ran a "highlight" reel of Bradley being "Bradley". It was clip after clip of him getting dunked on, clumsily slapping at shots but missing, getting dunked on, and not shutting down anybody. It's pretty bad when your best highlights come from a movie starring Bugs Bunny. I always kind of cheered for Shawn Bradley. I think it's funny to watch a man that has no business being on a basketball court getting paid a ton of cash to be tall and clumsy. I just wished he would have played for the Lakers or the Spurs. People forget that this guy was suppose to be the next big monster. He was sandwiched between Chris Webber and Penny Hardaway in the draft. This is your future Darko. I suggest killing yourself now.

One last tribute to that piece of shit.
Speech Bubbles by the Reverend Paco J. Escobar.

I would love to sit here and point out why Shawn Bradley sucks even more than you think but it's pretty much covered HERE. Trust me, it's a good read. I laughed until my pee hole hurt.

Thanks God, I totally owe you a solid.

Game 7 and I'm in Heaven

2005-06-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

Man, that was the gayest title I've ever used.

I'm happy that this series is going to game 7. I always get really depressed at the end of basketball and football season. I normally end up in a fetal position, sucking my thumb, and listening to shitty songs about teenage angst while carving "free me" into my arm.

I would like it if this game was in Detroit because I know those sickos are just waiting to blow up their city. I was living in San Antonio the last time they won the championship. Those lame asses only screamed "woooo" from their car. When the Mavericks finally win one, and they will I don't care what you say Grandma you bitch, I don't know what I'm going to do. I do know that it'll involve angel dust, fire, and a girl scout troop.

The upside to not having the final game in Detroit is that I don't have to see Kid Rock's stupid face. I swear he looks more and more like my white grandfather everyday.

YAAAAAAAAAAY I LIKE BASETBALL
YAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Oh, and all you stupid Spurs fans, and people that claimed to be spurs fans, that told me that the pistons were going to get swept.... well, aren't you fucking stupid? To my cousin Robby, who I know reads this, how dare you switch teams half way through. I know it was you Robby. You broke my heart. You broke my heart...

God Damn You Bob...

2005-06-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

I hate you Robert Horry. I hope you and Duncan celebrate your victory with a nice strawberry-banana-Magic Johnson blood smoothie. You can go rot in hell, even though your team is all ready from there, you stupid bastard.

I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali

2005-06-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

See it's all about the cheddar, nobody do it better, going back to Cali, strictly for the weather, women, and the weed - sticky green, no seeds, bitch, please...

Whatever the hell that means.

It seems the Devil has been busy in California this week. After getting Michael Jackson off of child molestation charges, the Dark Lord reunited the Zen Master Phil Jackson with the Los Angeles Lakers, the most evil organization since the National Socialist Party.

Phil Jackson ponders how he's going to make the
playoffs next year with such a shitty, shitty team.

Unfortunately, all the dark favors from Satan himself can't save this franchise right now. After gutting the roster, getting rid of Shaq and all the geriatric roleplayers that helped them win three consecutive championships, they're left with next to nothing. Good luck winning a championship without Michael Jordan or Shaquille O'Neal, Phil.

Rusted Iron

2005-06-11T23:09:00.000-07:00

Yea, so, I missed the Tyson fight tonight. Apparently, I didn't miss much.

It looks like it's the end of the road for "Iron" Mike. It makes me sad for several reasons. It was sad to see such great potential and raw talent waste away like it did with Mike. I'm also sad we won't hear any more great lines from Mike like:

"I'm on this Zoloft thing, right? But I'm on that to keep me from killing y'all! It has really messed me up, and I don't want to be taking it, but they are concerned about the fact that I am a violent person, almost an animal. And they only want me to be an animal in the ring."
"I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."
"I just want to conquer people and their souls."
"My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"
"Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherfucker you're fittin' to die!"
"When I was in prison, I was wrapped up in all those deep books. That Tolstoy crap - people shouldn't read that stuff."
"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."
"I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in their fuckin' head or stomp on their testicles, so you could feel my pain because that's the pain I have, wakin' up every day."
"Look at you scared now, you hoe. Scared like a little white pussy. Scared of the real man. I'll fuck you 'til you love me, faggot."
"It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with womens unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."
"All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

Tyson vs. Christ never really lived up to the hype...
The fans blamed it on Jesus's whole strategy of
"turning the other cheek".

Oh well, nothing lasts for ever. Let's take a moment to remember the life that was Mike Tyson. I think it's time to dust off the old NES and play some "Mike Tyson Punch Out!" in his honor.

I'll fuck you 'til you love me, Glass Joe!

Magic Johnson is Mean

2005-05-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

From tonight's Inside the NBA on TNT

Magic Johnson: You were a lakers fan and now you come over to the Heat...

Jaime Foxx: Well, I'm actually a Mavericks fan.

Magic Johnson: Then you're not even a basketball fan...

Jaime Foxx: Well, at least I don't have the AIDs.

OK, so I made that last line up. It would have been a lot cooler if he said that.

I picked a shitty day to stop drinking...

2005-05-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

I don't even want to talk about the Mavericks right now. I'm sure Cuban will post something on his blog about all the bullshit no-calls on Dirk, so I won't waste my time. Oh well.

On the bright side (if there could be a possible bright side), I don't think I would of made it through another Game 7 without requiring bypass surgery. All the barbeque and fried chicken I've eaten while watching Mavs playoffs games are catching up with me. I should probably stop smoking, too.

Roll It Up, Light It Up, Smoke It Up, Inhale, Exhale

2005-05-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

A Dominican living in Puerto Rico rolled the world's largest cigar earlier this year. Guinness Book of Records just confirmed it as a world record. The cigar is made up of nine kilograms of tobacco and is 19 metre long. I think that's like 57 feet or so. I don't know for sure, I refuse to study metric.

It's unconfirmed but Team Wilco has reports that a Haitian living in North Miami is planning on taking the cigar and rolling the world's largest blunt.

In related news, guess who is coming to Miami...

With Reggie Miller gone I can hate the Indiana Pacers even more. Eat me Stephen Jackson.

This just in...

2005-05-14T04:01:00.000-07:00

... Eric Dampier still sucks.

In other news, the Pistons-Pacers series has gotten so boring, the players have gone gay in an attempt to keep our attention.

I Fucked a Spurs Fan

2005-05-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

My ex-girlfriend came over last night. She told me that she was upset that the spurs lost. I laughed and told her that was a good joke. Then she said she was serious. It turns out that she's a spurs fan. A fucking spurs fan? Now, I'm not particularly picky about who I date. On several occasions,I just ask out chicks with eager looking mouths. I only have a few rules...

1. If you've only read five books in your whole life then keep your conversations with me to five words or less.

2. I don't want to drive that far to see you.

3. You can not support the San Antonio Spurs. That includes that horse faced jack ass and the rest of his smelly foreign buddies. I was living in San Antonio the last time the Spurs won the championship. It lead me to drinking.

I feel like less of a man. I had a meaningful relationship with a Spurs fan. I loved a woman that thinks that Tim Duncan is great. I tea bagged a Tony Parker fan. I feel unclean.

Dampier finally shows up

2005-05-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

15 points and 12 rebounds is much better then the shit games Dampier has been having lately, but let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet. He's going to have to do this for more then one game before he gets out of Paco's doghouse.

Shut up, Dampier

2005-05-10T21:57:00.000-07:00

Awww... Eric Dampier's feelings got hurt by what Dirk said about him...

Team leader Dirk Nowitzki criticized Erick Dampier after Amare Stoudemire outscored the Dallas center 40-0 in Monday night's 127-102 Phoenix victory.
"He's a step slow on everything,'' Nowitzki said after the game. "He never got involved in the game. He has always been in foul trouble. The first series was the same thing. He gets a quick two fouls in the first two or three minutes, and we can't be aggressive any more. Then he gets the third foul and has to sit.''

Nowitzki didn't stop there.

"The bottom line is we've got to get something out of our center position,'' he said. "We really haven't gotten anything out of it.''

Dampier lashed back before the team's workout on Tuesday.

"He can say what he wants,'' Dampier said. "We really didn't get a lot from anyone. This is not a one individual game. It's a team concept. We didn't play the way we are capable of playing, so for him to say something like that is totally stupid.''

I'm sorry, did that offend you, Dampier? Because I'll tell you what offends me: When Amare Stoudemire scores 40 points because our center sucks balls. Or how everytime you touch the ball, it slips through your butter fingers. Or how you somehow manage to pick up 2 fouls within the first 3 minutes of every game and wind up sitting on the bench most of the game. Or when your slow ass is the last person back up the court on defense.

And what really pisses me off is, with Shaq gone, you were supposed to be the "Best Center in the West". But so far, you've done nothing but get dogged by Yao Ming and Amare Stoudemire. Is this another self-proclaimed title like Stephon Marbury's "Best Point Guard in the League" or Ruben Patterson "The Kobe Stopper"? Because they both suck, too. That's why neither of them are in the playoffs.

Here's an idea: maybe instead of getting mad at Dirk, you should spend a little extra time practicing and bring your A game. You did that last year... or was that only because it was a contract year?

I miss Ron Artest...

2005-05-10T00:55:00.000-07:00

I hate the Pacers, and I never really liked Ron Artest's punk ass. After he charged into the stands and start laying out innocent bystanders, I said he should be kicked out of the league for good... but now I kinda miss him. This Pacers-Pistons series is really boring without him clotheslining someone.

Some other observations:

1. Eric Dampier makes Shawn Bradley look like Bill Russell.

2. I believe before the game was the first time Charles Barkley favored the Mavericks over another team.

3. I always love it when a coach yells at a referee until he gets ejected to pump up his team, but doing it after busting your ass in some kind of Three Stooges move is just embarassing.

Dampier, make yourself useful and help the coach up.

Steve Nash agrees with me

2005-05-08T03:53:00.000-07:00

He would of voted for Shaq for MVP too.

As one would expect from one accustomed to giving rather than receiving, Nash said he wouldn't have voted for himself.
"I would probably vote for Shaquille (O'Neal),'' he said. "He's one of the greatest ever to play the game. I look up to him. He's a huge part of this game's history already. He's one of the very best personalities and players in the game's history.''

Suck it, Houston

2005-05-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad this series is finally over. I don't know how such a disgusting, smog-ridden city like Houston can support a professional sports franchise without the athletes getting cancer from breathing the putrid air, but somehow they do. Hell, I don't know how the Mavericks went down there and won two games. I know the Rockets must be used to the piss-like stench of petrochemicals that wafts through Houston's polluted skies, but the Mavs showed incredible fortitude by winning those 2 games despite playing in the world's largest urinal. Obviously, they're going to go on to win the championship, if they don't all suddenly come down with a case of black lung.

As for the Rockets, the only rocket they resembled tonight was the Challenger. I was expecting a blowout, but even I was suprised by the 40 point victory. Dikembe Mutombo should of kept his big fucking mouth shut about the Rockets going to Phoenix. It's really hard to take someone seriously when they sound like the Cookie Monster. Mike James getting ejected was a nice touch, very befitting of a champion. Oh wait, that's right, all he did was warm the bench for the Pistons last year. Apparently you get a ring for that, just like the players that actually play.

Now that it's the end of the season for Houston, I hope David Stern continues his investigation and Jeff Van Gundy gets banned for life. How dare you question the integrity of the officiating in the NBA, sir. You should be ashamed of your wild conspiracy theories. The Rockets should get a coach with some class, like Rudy T. Oh yea, that's right... Rudy T got cancer from spending most of his life in Houston. Oh well.

"Now I'm just gonna break the wrist and walk away...
break the wrist and walk away."

NBA Playoffs - 1st Round Recap

2005-05-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

Well, the first round of the playoffs have come to an end, so let's recap my predictions:

WESTERN CONFERENCE, ROUND 1

Memphis Grizzlies at Phoenix Suns: Phoenix in 4

Pacodamus: Phoenix in 7(-3)
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Phoenix in 5(-1)
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Phoenix in 5 (-1)

Denver Nuggets at San Antonio Spurs: San Antonio in 5

Pacodamus: San Antonio in 7 (-2)
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): San Antonio in 6 (-1)
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): San Antonio in 6 (-1)

Sacramento Kings at Seattle Supersonics: Seattle in 5

Pacodamus: Sacramento in 7 (-3)
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Sacramento in 6 (-4)
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Sacramento in 6 (-4)

Houston Rockets at Dallas Mavericks: Dallas in 7

Pacodamus: Dallas in 5 (-2)
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Dallas in 7
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Dallas in 7

EASTERN CONFERENCE, ROUND 1

New Jersey Nets at Miami Heat: Miami in 4

Pacodamus: Miami in 6 (-2)
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Miami in 5 (-1)
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Miami in 5 (-1)

Philadelphia 76ers at Detroit Pistons: Detroit in 5

Pacodamus: Detroit in 7 (-2)
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Detroit in 5
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Detroit in 5

Indiana Pacers at Boston Celtics: Indiana in 7

Pacodamus: Indiana in 7
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Indiana in 6 (-1)
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Indiana in 6 (-1)

Washington Wizards at Chicago Bulls: Washington in 6

Pacodamus: Washington in 7 (-1)
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Washington in 7 (-1)
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Chicago in 7 (-1)

Round 1 Results:

Pacodamus: 7/8 series correctly predicted, off by 16 games.
Steve Kerr: 7/8 series correctly predicted, off by 9 games.
Marty Burns: 7/8 series correctly predicted, off by 9 games.

Allright, I don't know why I picked so many 7 game series, but I did. I never claimed to be able to predict the number of games, I just claimed to be able to predict the eventual champions. The biggest suprise of course was the Sonics, which nobody had winning. However, I don't think it really matters, whoever won that series was just going to be fodder for the Spurs anways (or are they...?). The Mavs losing the first two games at home was a suprise as well, but I never lost hope, like all the other bandwagon jumping Dallas fans (you know who you are, you sons of bitches). I thought Allen Iverson would put up more of a fight against the Pistons, but he didn't. I thought the Nuggets would put up more of a fight against the Spurs, but they didn't. I don't know why I thought the Grizzlies or the Nets would win a single game, I think I was really, really tired and/or drunk and stoned when I made those picks.

Kenyon Martin makes one last stop in San Antonio,
picking up some weed before he leaves to watch the
rest of the playoffs with the Portland Trailblazers.

And now, on to the second round... This is where it starts to get interesting, as the picks aren't exactly the same, like Burns' and Kerr's were in the first round.

WESTERN CONFERENCE, ROUND 2

Dallas Mavericks at Phoenix Suns

Pacodamus: Dallas in 6
Will the Blogger: Dallas in 6
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports) : Phoenix in 7
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Phoenix in 5

Seattle Supersonics at San Antonio Spurs

Pacodamus: San Antonio in 6
Will the Blogger: Dallas in 6
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): San Antonio in 5
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): San Antonio in 7

EASTERN CONFERENCE, ROUND 2

Washington Wizards at Miami Heat

Pacodamus: Miami in 6
Will the Blogger: Miami in 4
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Miami in 4
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Miami in 4

Indiana Pacers at Detroit Pistons

Pacodamus: Detroit in 6
Will the Blogger: Detroit in 7
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Detroit in 5
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Detroit in 6

And for more "expert" picks, you can check out picks from Sports Illustrated' s NBA "Gurus".

Don't believe the hype

2005-05-06T15:46:00.000-07:00

Well, they've gone and done it. The media (the same media that predicted the Lakers would sweep the Pistons in the Finals last year) has voted Steve Nash the Most Valuable Player of the National Basketball Association. What a bunch of crap...

Kicking Jason Williams in the face is pretty awesome,
but not awesome enough to be the MVP.

I don't say this because I'm a Mavericks fan and am still sour that he left as a free agent last summer. I say this because it's just not true. Nash is definately a top 10 player, but he's not the MVP. As much as I hate to say it, the MVP was Shaq.

There's no real formula to determining the MVP, besides putting it in the hands of a bunch of know-nothing sports writers and letting them vote. I'm assuming that they all ate crow after the Pistons won the championship last year, so now they've decided to root for the underdog, which would definately be Nash. Point guards are rarely ever considered for MVP because, well, basketball is a game where big men dominate. The only two true point guards to win the MVP in the past 40 years were Magic Johnson (6'9") and Oscar Robinson (6'5"), who were both big for the position. Both were legendary players, ranked among the 50 Greatest Players of All Time. Steve Nash, no matter how long he plays, will never fall into that category. He may be the best point guard in the league right now (unless you consider Allen Iverson a point guard), but that's not saying much.

So, how else do you determine the MVP? Well, the obvious first answer would be the stats. While a basketball game is played on the court and not on paper, the numbers are still a good gauge of how good a player is. So, statistically, who were the best players?

Regular Season Leaders, Points per game:

1. Allen Iverson - 30.7
2. Kobe Bryant - 27.6
3. LeBron James - 27.2
4. Dirk Nowitzki - 26.1
5. Amare Stoudemire - 26.0
6. Tracy McGrady - 25.7
7. Gilbert Arenas - 25.5
8. Vince Carter - 24.5
9. Dwayne Wade - 24.1
10. Ray Allen - 23.9
----------------------------
12. Shaquille O'Neal - 22.9
13. Kevin Garnett - 22.2
23. Shawn Marion - 19.4
40. Steve Nash - 15.5

Regular Season Leaders, Rebounds per game:

1. Kevin Garnett - 13.5
2. Ben Wallace - 12.2
3. Shawn Marion - 11.3
4. Emeka Okafor - 10.9
5. Troy Murphy - 10.8
6. Shaquille O'Neal - 10.4
6. Kurt Thomas - 10.4
8. Dwight Howard - 10.0
9. Dirk Nowitzki - 9.7
9. Tyson Chandler - 9.7
----------------------------
17. Amare Stoudemire - 8.9
28. LeBron James - 7.4
40. Tracy McGrady - 6.2

Regular Season Leaders, Assists per game:

1. Steve Nash - 11.5
2. Brevin Knight - 9.0
3. Jason Kidd - 8.3
4. Stephon Marbury - 8.1
5. Allen Iverson - 7.9
6. LeBron James - 7.2
7. Steve Francis - 7.0
8. Andre Miller - 6.9
9. Mike Bibby - 6.8
9. Dwayne Wade - 6.8
----------------------------
18. Tracy McGrady - 5.7
18. Kevin Garnett - 5.7

Regular Season Leaders, Steals per game:

1. Larry Hughes - 2.89
2. Allen Iverson - 2.4
3. LeBron James - 2.21
4. Shawn Marion - 2.01
5. Brevin Knight - 1.98
6. Gilbert Arenas - 1.74
7. Tracy McGrady - 1.73
8. Andre Iguodala - 1.68
9. Gerald Wallace - 1.67
10. Paul Pierce - 1.62
----------------------------
13. Dwayne Wade - 1.57
18. Kevin Garnett - 1.48
32. Dirk Nowitzki - 1.24

Regular Season Leaders, Blocks per game:

1. Andrei Kirilenko - 3.32
2. Marcus Camby - 3.02
3. Tim Duncan - 2.64 (Note: Tim Duncan doesn't show up on any of the above lists, because he missed 20 games and didn't have the total points and rebounds to be eligible, according to NBA.com)
4. Theo Ratliff - 2.51
5. Ben Wallace - 2.38
6. Shaquille O'Neal - 2.34
7. Joel Przybilla - 2.14
8. Zydrunas Ilgauskas - 2.12
9. Elton Brand - 2.09
10. Adonal Foyle - 2.04
----------------------------
20. Amare Stoudemire - 1.63
21. Dirk Nowitzki - 1.53
23. Shawn Marion - 1.47
28. Kevin Garnett - 1.37

Efficiency Rating:
Efficiency Formula: ((PTS + REB + AST + STL + BLK) - ((FGA - FGM) + (FTA - FTM) + TO)) / G

1. Kevin Garnett - 31.96
2. LeBron James - 28.24
3. Dirk Nowitzki - 28.13
4. Amare Stoudemire - 26.76
5. Shawn Marion - 25.59
6. Tim Duncan - 25.30
7. Allen Iverson - 24.87
8. Shaquille O'Neal - 24.44
9. Kobe Bryant - 24.32
10. Tracy McGrady - 23.72
----------------------------
13. Dwayne Wade - 23.17
15. Steve Nash - 22.08

So... the players with the most impressive numbers are:

Allen Iverson
Kevin Garnett
Dwayne Wade
Dirk Nowitzki
LeBron James
Shaquille O'Neal
Shawn Marion
Amare Stoudemire
Tracy McGrady
Kobe Bryant
Tim Duncan (20.3 PPG, 11.10 RBG, 2.7 APG, .68 SPG, 2.60 BPG in 66 games)
Steve Nash (not really, but since he won the MVP, he has to be included)

After numbers, an important factor is that your team should win. It's really easy to be on a sorry ass team that doesn't make the playoffs, and put up big numbers.

Allen Iverson
~~Kevin Garnett~~
Dwayne Wade
Dirk Nowitzki
~~LeBron James~~
Shaquille O'Neal
Shawn Marion
Amare Stoudemire
Tracy McGrady
~~Kobe Bryant~~
Tim Duncan
Steve Nash

It's also good when the MVP stays healthy for more then 3/4ths of the season.

Allen Iverson
Dwayne Wade
Dirk Nowitzki
Shaquille O'Neal
Shawn Marion
Amare Stoudemire
Tracy McGrady
~~Tim Duncan~~
Steve Nash

Now, let's examine what we have left. All of these players, with the exception of Steve Nash and Shawn Marion, are almost unguardable. However, most of them are questionable defensively, except for Allen Iverson and Shaquille O'Neal. Shawn Marion is a great defensive player, but he's not nearly the offensive nightmare that Iverson, O'Neal, Dirk, T-Mac, or Amare Stoudmire is (neither is Nash). Dwayne Wade and Amare Stoudemire aren't as bad defensively as, oh I dunno, Dirk, but they are both still young, and lack the veteran decision making and basketball IQ the others have.

Allen Iverson
~~Dwayne Wade~~
~~Dirk Nowitzki~~
Shaquille O'Neal
~~Shawn Marion~~
~~Amare Stoudemire~~
~~Tracy McGrady~~
Steve Nash

So, it comes down to A.I. and Shaq. A.I. is amazing, but you just can't match up to Shaq. The guy is a monster. His size and power is unrivaled in the league, and he's got the rings to prove it.

So, according to me, here are the MVP rankings:

Shaquille O'Neal
Allen Iverson
Dirk Nowitzki
Dwayne Wade
Tracy McGrady
Amare Stoudemire
Shawn Marion
Steve Nash
Tim Duncan
LeBron James
Kevin Garnett
Kobe Bryant

One last thing. People will cite the Phoenix Suns record as why Nash should be the MVP. While I will admit, the Phoenix Suns improved dramatically, it wasn't all Nash. Alot of it was the emergence of 3rd year player Amare Stoudemire, who I believe is a better MVP canidate over Nash. They also dealt Marbury, the self-proclaimed "Best Point Guard in the League", and never found a suitable replacement until the summer. You can look at the records of the Suns and the Heat and see how the teams improved:

2003-2004 Season:
Phoenix Suns (29-53) (13th, Western Conference)
Miami Heat (42-40) (4th, Eastern Conference)

2004-2005 Season:
Phoenix Suns (62-20) (1st, Western Conference)
Miami Heat (59-23) (1st, Eastern Conference)

But let's take a look at the impact they had on the teams they left:

2003-2004 Season:
Dallas Mavericks (52-30) (5th, Western Conference)
Los Angeles Lakers (56-26) (2nd, Western Conference)

2004-2005 Season:
Dallas Mavericks (58-24) (4th, Western Conference)
Los Angeles Lakers (34-48) (11th, Western Conference)

The Mavericks are doing better without Nash, whereas the Lakers have sunk to the bottom of the barrel without Shaq. I'm a firm believer that you could of taken Jason Kidd or Allen Iverson, and surrounded them with a great fast break team like the Suns, and you'd have the same result.

A disappointed Shaq, unable to find comfort in food,
tries to find comfort by eating teammate Dwayne Wade.

What it boils down to is, the media is tired of calling Shaq the "most dominant player" in the league, especially after getting burned after they all predicted he'd lead the Lakers to another championship last year. However, when this happens, the real MVP usually gets the last laugh. Charles Barkley and Karl Malone both won the MVP because they were tired of giving the MVP to Michael Jordan. Both times, Jordan went on to beat the MVP in the Finals. Of course, this won't be happening this year, because the Mavericks are going to beat the Pistons in 5 games to win the championship, but whatever, you get what I'm saying.

Don't be a dick Bob Sura, Jon Barry, David Wesley, and all you other sorry ass Rockets point guards

2005-05-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, congratulations, Bob Sura. You can make a 3 pointer. So can... well, every other point guard in the league. Good thing you and the other Rockets point guards have those cute hand signals so that we know when you make a 3 pointer. As if the fact you took the shot from behind the 3 point line and the 3 points they added to your team's score wasn't confirmation enough.

Oh yea, here's a little tip. If you're going to be a showboating douche bag, do it when your team is winning. When you do it while you're down by 10 points, it's just kind of tacky.

Don't be a dick Jeff Van Gundy

2005-05-02T23:42:00.000-07:00

Jeff Van Gundy was fined $100,000 by the NBA today for comments regarding the officiating in the Mavericks-Rockets playoff series. Some nation wide sports analysts think this is too extreme, but NBA commissioner David Stern doesn't. Stern says the investigation into Van Gundy's allegations is still open, and stiffer punishments may still yet come for the Rockets coach, even hinting at a possible lifetime ban.

Van Gundy was totally out of line. Not only is what he said insane, it's been proven to be a flat out lie. To alledge that an anonymous referee informant (that apparently doesn't exist, according to David Stern) tipped you off to a grand conspiracy against Yao Ming on the behalf of Mark Cuban is the most ridicolous fucking thing I've ever heard.

First of all, the referees hate Mark Cuban. Mark Cuban is the biggest fucking crybaby about the referees in the league, so much so that even I believe there is a bias (maybe well deserved) against the Mavericks. He is the last person any referee will be doing any favors for. But even in all of his rants and ravings and tantrems, he's never made up some whacko conspiracy theory that he claims comes from some referee version of "Deep Throat". He just says the referees suck balls. And if Jeff Van Gundy would of said that, he wouldn't of been fined $100k.

The truth of the matter is, Yao Ming gets into foul trouble because Yao Ming sucks. Face the facts, Van Gundy. He's a 3rd year player. Not only is this his 3rd year in the NBA, but it's his 3rd year of playing American basketball. He never played in college. His only experience comes from being the best player on the Chinese National Team, which is the equivalent of being the best player on a Mexican hockey team. He has no moves. He has size, but he doesn't know how to use it. He's awkward. He's got the finesse of Shawn Bradley, without the years of experience. His defense is awful. He tries to take charges without setting his feet. He tries to take charges in the restricted area. He tries to take charges from point guards - you're 7 foot and 5 fucking inches tall, Ming, block the fucking shot for Christ's sake. He's not Hakeem Olajuwan. He's not Shaquille O'Neal. He's lucky he doesn't get the calls he should get. And he's not the only center getting in foul trouble. Look at Eric Dampier. That sorry son of a bitch can't play the first 3 minutes of a game without getting 2 fouls. There is no bias, Jeff Van Gundy, you're just a sore loser. Suck it, baldy.

If Yao Ming was Japanese, the response would be
to commit hari-kari and save his family the shame.

Fuck Tracy McGrady

2005-04-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

Oh, how I hate you, you son of a bitch. You and your shifty, crack-smoking eyes.

You suck Shawn Bradley, I fucking hate you.

What the fuck happened to you, Dirk? Shit, your ass used to be beautiful! I refuse to believe that Bowen jackass is the great defender my archnemesis Steve Kerr says he is (yea, fuck you too Steve Kerr).

Tracy McGrady ruined my barbeque

2005-04-24T03:35:00.000-07:00

I hope you're happy, you sorry son of a bitch.

NBA Playoff Predictions by Paco-damus

2005-04-22T03:34:00.000-07:00

Let me preface my predictions by saying that I hate Steve Kerr, who is the NBA analyst for Yahoo! Sports. I really do. Why do I hate Steve Kerr? Let's go down the list:

1) I hate Steve Kerr for all those 3 pointers he made for the Spurs in the Western Conference finals against the Mavs (which I might add, the Mavs would of killed the Spurs and gone on to win the championship if Dirk wasn't injured, but whatever, they can add that cheap victory to that half-season championship they won in 1999).

2) I hate Steve Kerr because he kisses Tim Duncan's ass almost as much as that horse-toothed jackass Bill Walton does. Look, I understand he played with the guy, won the championship with the guy, and probably took a couple showers with the guy, but he's not the fucking MVP.

3) I hate Steve Kerr because he was part of that group of delegates from the Phoenix Suns that came to Dallas to steal Steve Nash this past summer. Apparently, he's a part owner of the Suns and got some kind of special attachment to Arizona.

4) I hate Steve Kerr because his articles suck. They're all biased towards the Spurs (the team he used to play for) or the Suns (the team he owns part of). I know they have the best records in the West, but they're not as good as Mr. Kerr would like to make them out to be.

So, now that I've gotten why I hate Steve Kerr out of the way, let's get on to my predictions. While I do have a flawless record for predicting major sporting events, I have a bit of a dilemma this year: the hometown team, which I root for regularly, the Dallas Mavericks, are my pick to win it all. However, I'm just afraid the fact that I'm a Mavericks fan will jinx it all for me. But whatever. On to my picks (by the way, I'll put them up against Kerr's picks and the other "experts", you know, the ones who had the Lakers sweeping the Pistons in the Finals last year):

(Note: The so-called "experts" have barely begun to make their predictions, knowing full well they will all be proven for the shams they are if they predict beyond the first round right now... the predictions are used when available.)

(Another note: I said I was going to break all this down and explain my picks... but I don't want to make this any longer then it allready is, so just assume I know what the fuck I'm talking about.)

WESTERN CONFERENCE, ROUND 1

Memphis Grizzlies at Phoenix Suns

Pacodamus: Phoenix in 7
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Phoenix in 5
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Phoenix in 5

Denver Nuggets at San Antonio Spurs

Pacodamus: San Antonio in 7
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): San Antonio in 6
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): San Antonio in 6

Sacramento Kings at Seattle Supersonics

Pacodamus: Sacramento in 7
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Sacramento in 6
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Sacramento in 6

Houston Rockets at Dallas Mavericks

Pacodamus: Dallas in 5
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Dallas in 7
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Dallas in 7
Michael Bradley (Sports Illustrated): Dallas in 6

EASTERN CONFERENCE, ROUND 1

New Jersey Nets at Miami Heat

Pacodamus: Miami in 6
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Miami in 5
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Miami in 5

Philadelphia 76ers at Detroit Pistons

Pacodamus: Detroit in 7
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Detroit in 5
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Detroit in 5

Indiana Pacers at Boston Celtics

Pacodamus: Indiana in 7
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Indiana in 6
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Indiana in 6

Washington Wizards at Chicago Bulls

Pacodamus: Washington in 7
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Washington in 7
Marty Burns (Sports Illustrated): Chicago in 7

WESTERN CONFERENCE, ROUND 2

Dallas Mavericks (?) at Phoenix Suns (?)

Pacodamus: Dallas in 6
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports) : Phoenix

Sacramento Kings (?) at San Antonio Spurs (?)

Pacodamus: San Antonio in 6
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): San Antonio

EASTERN CONFERENCE, ROUND 2

Washington Wizards (?) at Miami Heat (?)

Pacodamus: Miami in 6
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Miami

Indiana Pacers (?) at Detroit Pistons (?)

Pacodamus: Detroit in 6
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Detroit

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS

Pacodamus: Dallas over San Antonio, in 6
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): San Antonio over Phoenix
Steve Deveney (The Sporting News): Phoenix over San Antonio

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS

Pacodamus: Detroit over Miami, in 5
Steve Kerr (Yahoo Sports): Miami over Detroit
Steve Deveney (The Sporting News): Detroit over Miami

NBA FINALS

Pacodamus: Dallas over Detroit, in 5
Michael Bradley (Sports Illustrated): San Antonio over Detroit, in 7
Sean Deveney (The Sporting News): Phoenix over Detroit

Final Four Predictions by Paco-damus

2005-03-28T03:31:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me, may or may not be familiar with my Nostradamus-esque predictions of sporting events. Here are a few recent examples:

Game 7, 2003 National League Championship Series: I haven't cared about baseball since I was 9 years old. I don't watch it, I don't follow it, I don't care about it. However... I was at the Down Under Pub and Grub with Pugs and Kelly watching Game 7 of the NLCS, Cubs vs. Marlins. Everyone there was a big Cubs fan. Being the asshole I am, I started rooting for the Marlins. During the 5th inning, the Marlins were down 5-3. I told Bruce, whom I was sitting with, I think the Marlins are going to make a comeback. That inning, they got 3 runs, pulling ahead 6-5, eventually winning the game 9-6, going on to beat the Yankees in the World Series.

2004 NBA Finals: At the beginning of the playoffs, I predicted the Pistons and Lakers would meet in the Finals. I also predicted the Pistons would sweep the Lakers, even with their dirty ass additions of Karl Malone and Gary Payton. Sure enough, the two teams met in the Finals. And every night before the game, I predicted the Pistons would win. I was right 4 out of 5 times, and that 1 time I was wrong was pretty fucking questionable, but whatever. Everyone tells me this is a lucky ass guess, and I only made it because I hate the Lakers. Well, that might be true, but I still made the pick.

2005 Super Bowl: Allright, it didn't take a genius to pick the Patriots over the Eagles in the Superbowl. However, I made this prediction before the NFL season even started. I believe it was during the 4th or 5th sorry ass Cowboys game of the season, I was watching the game with Pugs in Lewisville, and told him, "Can't we just skip all this garbage time and have the Patriots beat the Eagles at the Superbowl next week?" He didn't buy it then, and if he still remembers it, he probably wouldn't buy it now, but I was right god damn it.

So, that brings us to the present, March Madness. I filled out my dad's bracket for his office pool, and despite some major fuck ups (like picking Wake Forrest for the Final Four), he is currently in first place. Now, only two teams I picked for the Final Four are currently in it, Illinois and UNC. However, I also have these teams in the championship, so that's all that matters. While almost everyone and their mother has Illinois winning it all, I have picked UNC. Pugs told me I was just buying into the "ACC Hype" and that the Illini are undefeated... well, the Illini aren't undefeated, they lost to Ohio State, but whatever. My prediction: UNC over Illinois, for the NCAA Championship.

We'll see if my clairvoyent abilities stand up this time.