Save Michael Irvin!

DALLAS - Former Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin was charged with misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia after Plano police officers searched his vehicle during a traffic stop.

I'm sick and tired of this. I'm mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore. I'm tired of the metroplex getting black eyes because of the foolish actions of people that think they're great because they wear/wore a faggy uniform. I'm tired of the selfishness. Why do the cops always pick on Michael Irvin? Why?

Yeah so... OK, he was speeding. OK, so he had drug paraphernalia. OK, he has a history of drug use. Whatever. Michael Irvin has won us 3 superbowls. If he wants to walk into a church, punch an old woman in the eyeball, smoke crack in the bathroom with a bunch of "born-agains", and mock Jesus with an end zone dance during the sermon, then you let him. He is one of the most important people in the recorded history of the world. He's even better than Jesus. You can call me a blasphemer all day but I won't hear it. The bible never talks about how Jesus ran the perfect post route to win the game. That's what I thought. Shut up.

He's awesome. Stop the injustice!

Lions- 7, Cowboys- 20

I didn't watch a lot of the game. I spent the majority of it driving. I did get to see Billy Cundiff kick a record breaking field goal. I also saw Shaun Rogers jump offsides three times in a row without a call. Officials, he's a 400 pound fat man. When he moves, you see it and feel it in the quakes. I know you're afraid that he'll eat you if you call him out on it but that's part of the job. That's also why you do steroids. Anybody else disturbed by the trend of juiced up NFL officials? I'm old school and I believe that the starting middle linebacker should be at least a little bigger than them.

Roy Williams shows Roy Williams what he does to name thieves.

I listened to the game in the car. It seemed like Detroit was trying very hard to lose the game. I believe they were penalized 17 times for close to 130 yards. Considering that, the score should have been much higher for the Cowboys.

I can't believe that I was actually happy to see Billy Cundiff again. I'll admit that I was one of the people that called for his head every time something bad happened. He didn't even have to be involved and I blamed him. Like Bill Parcells, I view kickers to be less than human. However, anybody that can just nail a record breaking 56 yard field goal after being signed the night before is OK in my book. I'm personally absolving him of his previous sins.

Bless you Billy.

You know what? I just thought of something. Billy? You're a grown up. Why are you still "Billy"? What you did was great and all but when you start thinking of yourself as a big boy, I'll start treating you like a big boy.

Since I didn't watch that much football this week, I'll leave this as my recap. check out NFL.com for some good recaps of the games. They always have interesting stats and they manage to stretch "he didn't play well" into 6 or 7 paragraphs.

Pistons- 82, Mavericks-119

The Dallas Mavericks have beat the two teams that played in the NBA finals last season. They're the only team to do that so far. Everything seemed to work for the Mavs last night. I got pretty drunk while watching the game and I refuse to look up the stats but I believe that every single Mav that played, scored. When the Mavericks play like that, they can beat anybody. Even Erick Dampier, who has been taking a beating by local media, played like he found his nuts again.

That's good for Dampier but that doesn't wash away the fact that he's still a completely useless pile of vomit. In the playoffs last year, he had one decent game out of 13 and that shit don't fly. I didn't accept it when it was Shawn Bradley, and I certainly won't accept it from the self-proclaimed "best center in the west". Let us hope that this is a turning point for Dampier. If not, I think Avery Johnson should be allowed to hit him in the nuts with a baseball bat during half time of the next home game.

I'm not going to declare the Mavs the NBA champs just yet. The problem with a lot of sports fans is that they hitch themselves to bandwagons too quick. They start making MVP, championship, and coach firing predictions before the season even starts. I'm just excited by what I'm seeing so far this season. This is different from a few years ago, when the mavs went 14-0 and won a total of 60 games. The depth in this team is unreal. I think we have an even deeper bench than the spurs. I would take my time to explain but every time I talk about the spurs, a part of me dies inside. Well, we do have players, like Keith Van Horn, who seem to get ankle injuries while tying his shoes. I have a solution for that though, velcro.

Cheerleaders Arrested For Licking Each Other's Vaginas and Fighting.

The biggest story right now isn't the riots in France, the pirates off the coast of Africa, or even the war in Iraq. It's the two Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders that were dyking out in the bathroom of a Florida bar. The mavs whopping up on the Suns and the Spurs is a close second. I haven't wrote about this yet because I've been feeding Pugs info and pictures of the girls. Well, here we go now...

TAMPA, Fla. - Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were charged after their arrest at a bar where witnesses told police the women had sex in a restroom.

Renee Thomas, 20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., were taken to Hillsborough County Jail early Sunday.

Angela Keathley

Renee Thomas

Sure, Angela Keathley looks like she's been punched in the nose by an angry drummer boyfriend a few times and Renee looks like the type of girl that would be impressed by your bad ass Trans Am, but THEY WERE GOING DOWN ON EACH OTHER IN A BATHROOM. Where I'm from, that counts for something. A 6 or a 7 instantly jumps to 10 status when she's willing to lick her friend's vagina. Anything above a 7 is unthinkable. Most men's brain and penis couldn't handle the stimulation. They'd simply have a complete body shut down.

Here is what we know about the situation.

• Witnesses say that the two girls were having sex in the bathroom stall.
• Thomas got into an argument with another female patron after the sex. She then punched her.
• The police came and arrested the girls.
• Angela Keathley resisted arrest.
• Renee Thomas claimed to be fellow Panthers cheerleader, Kristen Owen, and was in possession of her ID.
• This is pretty hot.
• Yeah, hot.

That's what we know. Since I'm an expert detective, yes, even better than Batman, I have spent the better part of two days "going over evidence". I've come to this scenario.

Thomas and Keathley were asked to come to Tampa Bay by a couple of fat cat Tobacco plantation owners (or whatever the fuck rich dudes in North Carolina do) and since they're vapid whores looking to exploit their sexuality for fancy dinners and clothes, they agree to the trip. Thomas, foreseeing the problems of being underage in a city where she's not an E level celebrity, borrowed Kristen Owen's ID. Thomas figured that since blonde white girls all look alike, this wouldn't be a problem. The guys and girls arrive in Tampa and head over to Banana Joe's. They choose that particular establishment because of it's obvious class. Well, it's classy to people that have "3: never forget" tattoos on their asses. While at the bar, they drink patron tequila. I know that it was this brand because that's what coked up whores drink. Keathley, who explains in her Carolina Panther bio that the best part of being a cheerleader is the friendship she has with the girls, lures Thomas into the bathroom to "powder their noses". They do powder their noses with the help of a mirror and a straw. While enjoying the sexy feeling that coke gives you, it's quite sexy, Keathley unleashes her inner-dyke and goes to work on Thomas' vagina. It takes Thomas a little long to finish since her privates are numb from being pounded 8 times a day by various rich guys . People outside the stall are getting restless. They're drunk and filled with piss. They fear that if they don't piss, their bladders will explode. Some of the bar patrons explain the urgency of the situation. The girls finish up with the clam combating and exit the stall. Thomas takes offense to a few of the words that some random woman tells her, and unleashes her trailer park roots on her. The police are called and the whole world is talking about it the next day.

OK, so it's not exactly hard to come up with that scenario. It's just hot thinking about how it happened.

Mavs Win in Double OT

Team Wilco has a long history of award winning reports on the National Basketball Association. Paco and I pride ourselves in our ability to look at the game through objective eyes. Whether it's suggesting that Tracy McGrady has shifty crack smoking eyes, explaining why Erick Dampier makes Shawn Bradley look like Bill Russell, or pretending to have conversations with Magic Johnson, we feel that it is our duty to provide the expert insight that only a couple of mature basketball enthusiast can.

The Mavericks beat the Suns, 111-108, in double overtime to start off the NBA season. The Mavs may not have shown much defensive improvement but they still beat the Suns. The Suns might be an almost entirely new team, with only 2 starters and 4 bench players returning, and no Amare Stoudemire. But you know what? Suck it Phoenix. There are few things that are more satisfying than seeing a home crowd on the brink of tears after my Mavericks hand them a loss. Phoenix didn't disappoint. Yes, I'm still bitter about the Mavs losing in the western conference semi-finals against the Suns.

Watching this game reminded me why basketball is my favorite sport to watch. It's the only thing that can really get any emotion out of me and for the 2-3 hours. It's the only thing that matters in the universe. It's even more important than curing cancer.