Go Mavs Go!

Fuck Shamu and Tim Duncan.

I'm ignoring the format of the page and I'm going to keep these pictures this size. This is a special occasion. As one of two real life long Mavs fans that I know, this is an important day for me. This is like when Dee Snyder told that kid's dad that they're not gonna take it. Well, Dee Snyder is gay and so is Michael Finley. Real men take things. Stealing is dope. We stole their souls.

And, I'm not being childish. You grow up. You ain't my dad.

If you're worried that I've blown my wad, don't be. All I'm saying is that somebody told me that they heard that Steve Nash was weak. Weak like Vito Spatafore.

As far as the game goes, all I can say is that San Antonio went through "the curse of the Fin Dog". It's not so much a curse as it is a reality. Michael Finley steps up his game enough to sign a big contract but fails to truly shine when it matters most. He's dead weight and shouldn't be signed next year. He's a basketball dick tease.

I've always wanted to say this...
better luck next year, San Antonio.

Peekaboo Nipples: Olympic Style.

I haven't heard of any other Olympic nip slips this year. As a matter of fact, I've never heard of any Olympic nip slip ever. Enjoy.

The chick's name is Oksana Dominina of Russia and they're doing some "sport" called Ice Dancing. Whatever. There's half a nipple out there and we shouldn't get distracted by minute details.

UPDATE:

Apparently the U.S. won a silver medal in this particular event. From the sounds of things, this hasn't happened in a while. This is insignificant until you look at their picture.

If you saw this on TV you might have seen her snatch. That's cool.
USA! USA! USA!

Sober Super Bowl

I love the super bowl. I love football.

It's America. It's freedom. It's a celebration of all things that make this country great.

It's about taking chunk after chunk of land from other people and wearing really tight pants while you do it. It's just like manifest destiny without the genocide. I don't care what anybody says, that's a beautiful thing.

I must admit.... a super bowl with two teams that I couldn't care less about is not as much fun when I'm sober. By the way, I quit drinking.

I started my super bowl holiday by watching a bit of the pre-game bullshit.

Mick Jagger was rambling about American Football and the Manchester United. at first, I thought it was Keith Richards. I get them confused a lot. Zombies all look alike to me.

I recall last year that they had blind kids sing the national anthem. Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin were slightly more disturbing to watch. I always wondered what Jabba the Hutt would look like in a chinchilla coat. Now I know, thanks Aretha Franklin.

As far as the actual game went, I found myself caring less and less as it went on. Since I wasn't drinking, I decided to be really lame and take notes. Here are some notes from those notes.

• Jeremy Stevens proved to be the bitch that Joey Porter claimed him to be.
• Matt Hasselbeck was too busy thinking about blowing other guys and manage to throw an interception.
• Hines Ward was MVP. He deserved it.
• I will miss watching Jerome Bettis play football. He's jiggly.

That's it.

21-10 PIttsburgh Steelers over the Seattle Seahawks.

LeBron James Can't Read

LeBron James doesn't need the dunk contest. He doesn't need to be literate either.

CLEVELAND -- LeBron James has something to go along with his sore right knee: a twisted tongue.

On Tuesday, the Cavaliers star was reading a children's book to 23 elementary students as part of the NBA's "Read to Achieve" program when he got stumped by a tricky name in Dr. Seuss' "Oh, the Places You'll Go."

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James invited a few kids to sit with him to read the text stuffed with familiar Seuss' rhymes. On the last page, James paused, smiled and said, "I'm not even going to try that name" when he got tangled up with the second part of: "Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places!"

Dr. Suess can be a little thought to read. The complexities of the character development in "Hop on Pop" will probably never be truly understood. That's why I can't blame LeBron for giving up in front of a room full of children. It's not quite Kierkegaard, but only lame college kids would know about that. LeBron was too good for college. Reading is for losers when you can jump like him.

LeBron James is setting a good example for the next generation of children. Reading is useless when you can put a ball in a hoop. If more children would put down the Vonnegut and pick up a basketball, the NBA would be an amazing thing to watch in 15 years. Don't worry about the 99.999999% of kids that lack the talent to end up in the NBA, it's their fault. They probably accidentally read a book.

Isiah Thomas is Innocent.

NEW YORK - New York Knicks team president Isiah Thomas is accused of sexual harassment and discrimination by one of the team's former front-office employees in a federal lawsuit.

Anucha Browne Sanders claims Thomas made unwanted sexual advances toward her and refused to stop, according to the lawsuit filed Tuesday in federal court in Manhattan. Thomas and Madison Square Garden are listed as the defendants in the lawsuit, which charges them with sex discrimination and retaliation.

I don't even know if Anucha is a chick. I'm assuming so, that sounds like a chick like name.

Anucha Sanders is a liar. Isiah Thomas didn't harass her. Isiah Thomas is a homo. One year he was making out with Magic Johnson and the next year, Magic Johnson announces that he has HIV. That isn't a coincidence.

In all fairness to Isiah, I don't think that he gave Magic the AIDs. I don't even think Magic has the AIDs. Magic Johnson is the only AIDs victim that could live for 15 more years and gain 100 more pounds. I always thought that was impossible when your Christ is rejecting the gay part of your body. That's what they taught me about AIDs in church camp. Paco hypothesizes that he was just afraid of Michael Jordan. I think he just didn't like the idea of playing with Vlade Divac any longer.

Super

The Super Bowl is set. It's the Steelers and the Seahawks in Detroit. My original pick of Panthers and Patriots didn't quite pan out that way. Despite my prediction, the Cowboys missed the playoffs. And if that wasn't enough, my homeboy Jesus Plummer crapped up in the AFC championship. I don't really like Denver or anything but I like that they have Jesus in at quarterback.

Since I can only get me to care about this game by illegally gambling, I need to make a pick.

I pick the Steelers.

I could talk about the finer points of football that any drunkard idiot fan could bring up to support that pick, but I just think I'm more afraid of them than I am of any other team. I do not mean that in the football sense. I feel like if I were to drive by them, I'd have to roll up my windows and lock my doors. If I don't, Troy Polamalu is going to pull me out of my car and Jerome Bettis is going to piss on me. I don't want that to happen. If they don't win the faggy looking glass football, Joey Porter will stab Matt Hasselbeck and take it from him.

Live from Post National Title Austin

I'm currently in Austin right now. I left Fort Worth at around 3 am because of a sudden idea from my cousin. Robby, my cousin, is in his 3rd year at UT. He's Asian and he is majoring in something that has to do with math or something. How stereotypical. We drove his gas guzzling SUV and I had to pay for it. Apparently, being really drunk means that you're physically unable to pry open your wallet, or maybe cousin is just a cheap slant eyed Jew. We then preceded to call all his friends in Austin. We even talked to one of my neighbors that was partying down there. They swore to stay up long enough for us to get there.

We're here... I'm writing this stupid shit. The party is not good. Austin's streets was not littered with burning cars. I didn't see a single person stabbed in the chest. This is the worst post victory celebration I've ever been in. It's even worse than San Antonio 2003. At least they has one fat drunken Mexican dude screaming "wooooo" from the parking lot of HEB. HEB in Austin didn't have a Mexican. What a rip off.

If I don't look out the window later on today and see loose hippie bitches fist fighting each other while Gwar is playing live, I'll feel like I just drove all this way just to smoke weed in a different area code. And, that would suck. Like a whore. Like a dirty sucky whore.